A thousand different heavens: A suicide widow's truth.

A thousand different heavens.

The day that I got the knock on the door that my first husband had shot himself in the heart.......I walked back into the home that we had shared for over a decade but it was no longer the same beautiful and loving home in my mind.

My home changed the day that he died.

The day that he left the earth, left the pain and dark voices behind.

His soul floated beautifully and wonderously off to the heavens of the pain were left behind.

The pain oozed like long stringy black worms in through the door and under the walls the moment that I sent the ones who came with the news home.

It enveloped my entire home. The walls, the floors, the pictures, the ceiling, and yes......even my heart.

The windows where I had sat for years in a chair rocking our babies.....those windows were now foggy and wouldn't let the sunshine in.

The walls turned a black soot color because the screams, my screams, changed them. The trauma changed the family photos from loving to dark, blank photographs that I didn't recognize.

Visitors would come and they didn't seem to notice the change in my home. The change in my my soul.

I was trapped. He left his pain and I was trapped inside of my own. Barred windows. Locked doors. Voices screaming outside my windows that it was my fault, that I killed him, that I was worthless and should leave this earth too.

Trapped. Trapped inside of a life that I didn't choose.

A life of widowhood. Solo parenting.

A life of grief, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, and nightmares.

Trapped inside of a house, a life of suffering.

I didn't choose this life. It was chosen for me. And I thought over and over..., "How unfair. How unfair. Why me? The door is locked. Everything was stolen from me. My married life, my husband, my children's father, my dreams, my happy and loving heart."

A thousand different heavens.

I lived in this house of suffering for a long, long time. Years. Over two years this house locked me in and only let me out to run errands, go places for my children, and then once again it would suck me back in and slam the windows shut so no one could hear my crying.

I couldn't sleep and often between the hours of two and four a.m. I would lock myself in the bathroom with the lights off....a pillow in my hands to catch my screams so the children wouldn't hear me. I would throw up....over and over. I would cry....heaving tears that almost took my breathe away. Sobs. And I would say out loud to myself or to a thousand different heavens........, "Please, please help me. I feel like I'm dying. I can't get the darkness out of my lungs. I can't breathe. Dying would be easy, peaceful, serene but I have two babies, my children, in the next room behind this wall and I am all that they have. me. Change this home of pain into a home of light and love. Please. I can't leave. The doors are locked. Change me from the inside."

I said that grievers prayer.......that trauma prayer for hundreds of nights. And after day after very long day....I was still locked in that house. The house my husband locked me into when he left this world. He locked me into pain, darkness, and horror that I didn't ask for, started to feel I deserved, and he didn't leave a note as to where he left the key.

A thousand different heavens.

I found the key or it found me.

Slowly. Ever so slowly things began to change in my house, in my heart.

Handfuls and handfuls of QNRT therapy, hours sitting in nature, long mornings writing, and hundreds of nights sitting in my dark bathroom saying that chant over and over and my heart started to change.

You see?

The key didn't help me to unlock the door, put up a for sale sign and leave......never to return.

The key was inside of me.

A tiny flickering light that never went out.

I couldn't see it on those nights in my bathroom. I didn't feel or see any light at the end of my tunnel on those nights. I only seen darkness, destruction, black stained walls, and dead dreams.

A thousand different heavens.

Slowly the walls turned back to a beautiful creamy white.

The photos on the wall showed happy and smiling children and not black shadows.

The bars on the windows retreated.

The windows cleaned themselves and the sun shined in so brightly it cut beautiful sunbeams into my heart.

Do you understand?

I chose.

I prayed to a thousand different heavens to save me, take the darkness that he left behind, keep me here on this earth and show me my purpose.

Yes, he locked me inside of a life that I didn't choose and it's unfair, so unfair that I often wanted to scream and yell and write angry letters to the Gods about it. But......that wouldn't change anything. I would still be here.....inside of this house, this heart, this life so I had to make the choice to make the very best of a very dark situation. I could choose to be bitter and hateful and angry or I could choose to better my life and my heart and paint the walls in my house white to relect my choice to move forward. This is my house now. It isn't his anymore even though sometimes I hear his ghost, his workboots, in the hallway. Even though sometimes I see him...the memory of him holding our babies on this same couch. But.....I cleaned up this house and it's mine now. I had to take ownership of my own life so the dark shadows would leave.

And through every single tear, scream, and long painful day.....I made the choice. The choice to not see myself as stuck inside of this house, this life that he locked me into but to choose to change the way that I viewed this 'new' life.

It was my choice to let go of the suffering.

It was my choice to change my thoughts so the trauma left the walls and the windows opened up.

We cannot always physically change where we are planted. Sometimes in life anothers actions lock us into a life we never seen coming and it's so unfair but it is our choice on where we go from there.

You don't have to stay locked inside of that house of pain.

Yes, the grief will stay with you....a little bit....forever.

But the trauma? It can be released. QNRT therapy helped me to release from my body the trauma that my best friend gave me the day a bullet pierced his beautiful heart.

I read hundreds of spiritual books. Books on soul's journeys. Books on the beyond, souls' choices, darkness......a thousand different heavens.

I made the choice to stay on this earth. To find things to help me carry my grief and to find other ways to help me lighten the dark walls in my home, in my heart.

I wanted to run away a thousand different times. Find the key to unlock the door to this painful home, pack up my children and animals, get in the car............and flee, run, never return. And round in round in my head I would hear, "That isn't the answer, dear one. The pain will travel with you. You have to change the house, your heart, from the inside out and only then....once you have done that...will you know that if you do leave if it is because you're running from trauma or chasing down new life."

A thousand different heavens.

All those nights of pain on my bathroom floor. All alone. No one by my side. So many people telling me in daylight hours, "I'm here for you. Call me." But who are you going to call at 2:00 in the morning? No one. I had no one I felt sure that I could call and they would come lay on that bathroom floor with me. So, I called out to a thousand different heavens.

And I heard an answer.

And my home, my heart changed.....was healed just enough to keep living, and the light of happiness and joy and love was made possible inside of me again.

I was no longer trapped.

The door is wide open.

I can come and go as I please.

I feel at home inside of my home again.....the home I have lived in for almost 15 years.

I feel at home inside of my heart again.

I am free.

The voice said, "You are not trapped, dear child. Look up. The light is on. It's your choice. It's always been your choice. You are loved."

A thousand different heavens.

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Dear friends....thank you for being here in this community that I built from my tears. I give all my extra prayers to you. I adore you. I care about you deeply. I love you!!

Never stop looking up!

Love always..your friend, Nik

#Widow #Suicide #suicidesurvivor #Pain #griefsupport #trauma #PTSD #depression #anxiety #dark #light #spiritual #heaven #QNRTtherapy #soul #healing #choice


Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2020

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