Excerpt from a memoir that I will never write.

Have you been following my writing for awhile now?

Did the title of this blog post scare you, worry you, or confuse you?

It's ok. Don't worry. Yes, I'm still a writer. Yes, I am writing a book and I wake up almost every morning at 5:00am, brew my coffee, and sit in the dark of the morning to write.

But this is about the memoir. The memoir, the biography, the story of my husbands suicide that I will never write.


Because that book would hurt people that I love. There are so many people entangled into the story of my husbands death and they have been hurt enough. Most of all my children. To write an honest story? You must include all of the truth, all of the happenings or the reader will feel in their gut that you are leaving something out. If you know me.....I can't write half truths. I am not so sure that the people in my life and my husbands life want their story out there for the world to read. I'm not so sure they wish for their reactions, their anger, their meanness, their sadness, their brutal cruelty, their shame, their regrets, their hind sites that I know eat at their hearts daily, and their grief to be put into a book. It just doesn't feel right in my heart to write about all of the aftermath of his suicide when it includes other peoples hearts, other people's lives. That is a story for them to tell or to never tell. Yes, there are people that were extremely kind and also extremely cruel to me after my husbands death. I don't wish to write about some of the aftermath. I've forgiven. I have not forgotten but it doesn't need to be written down for eternity. I'm not in the business of hurting others. I'm in the business of loving others. The people in my life and my husbands life? Maybe they are still healing. Maybe they are still broken. My husbands story of why and how he died by suicide is not my story to write. It's his story, not mine. And for me? To heal and move forward in my life? I need to set that book down. I need to let it go. I need to write it in my own diary for my own personal healing and then I need to get on with my life while I'm still young enough to do so.

Dear you, Don't fret. Over the three years that I have been a writer sharing my truth, story, and heart? I have found other ways to share my story. I blog about it. I write small excerpts of the truth of the aftermath of my husbands suicide and post them to social media. I do this in a radically honest and loving way. It doesn't all need to be written in story form in a book for it to help others. I have found my own niche for helping others with my story. Yes, this book that I will never write would most surely be a bestseller. It would be a smash hit and would make a blockbuster movie. The characters would real you in, shock you, anger you, possibly enrage you, make you cry. But the people in this book that I will never write have been hurt enough. I'm going to leave them be to move on with their lives. And I'm going to help all of you in my own unique way through my wordsmith heart just like I've been doing for the past three years. I'm not going anywhere. I'm here with you and for you for the long haul. You will hold one of my books in your hands one day........... it just won't be the story of my husbands death because that isn't my story to's his.

Dear you, you reading this. I'm here and I care very much. This book that I will never write? It's still in my heart. It's still my story and I am here with it every day when you reach out to me. I review it's pages and look for ways that it can help to guide you, teach you, and help you to heal and move forward. I use it's writings to help you know that you are not alone because yes, I've been through the storm too. I'm an open book, friends. You just have to reach out.

It's still early morning here. Children are nestled in bed dreaming. I'm going to get back to writing the book that surely will be published and on your side table someday. The book that will put love in your heart. The book that is my story, not his. The book that will inspire you, heal you, guide you, teach you, and help to release some of that trauma that tries to lie to you. It’s almost finished and I hope to have it in your hands in 2019. Thank you to everyone who follows my writing and supports my journey. I appreciate you all so very much. Keep fighting, keep shining.

Wash your soul in this: In 2019? Walk away from anyone or anything that makes you feel unworthy. All you need is your own love. You are worthy and full of purpose all on your own. God has a plan for your life. Never give up.

Coffee's brewing. Light's on. Reach out anytime. Anytime.

Love always, Nik


Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2020

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