GRIEF. You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering.


When you lose someone you love in a sudden and/or tragic way?

You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering.


Let me tell you that again.

You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering.

Finding the gift inside of one's pain? It's a very, very personal thing unique to each griever. There may be many people who all lost the same person and yet they all find or don't find a different gift within their personal loss of that person.


You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering.

Is there often good that comes from the loss of a person?

Absolutely. It brings community together. Old friends get together. People bond together to help the family. People take a big look at their own lives and make changes to live in the moment. Loss can have a rolling effect. Loss happens and only because of that loss this good thing happens and this and that and the other. All because that one person's beautiful soul touched so many lives. You who just lost someone? You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering. At least not today, ok? It's ok to grieve. It's human to be sad. It's very healing to be told the truth. The truth that there isn't always a gift for each person hidden inside of their suffering and loss. Or they can't see it. Or they don't want to see it and we shouldn't push them too. Sometimes things in life happen and they are so brutal and we find healing inside of not finding the gift but in being held in the truth that sometimes painful things happen and we can't find the rhyme or reason here on earth. We find healing inside of this acceptance. We find healing inside of the truth.

Do I believe there is a gift hidden inside of my own grief and loss of my best friend, my husband? Yes. I have found many hidden little golden gifts inside of all of my pain. I have become more compassionate. I became the writer I always was meant to be. I have reached out my weary and broken heart to help people all around the world. This is my gift. But this does not mean that I would trade this gift for my husbands life. I would give the gift back if it meant he could walk up the driveway. My gift doesn't mean that every other person that lost him and grieves him has found a gift. I'm not special because I see my gift. It's taken me a long time to feel the way I do. The day of his funeral or the weeks after I did not see any goodness in my family's tragedy. I only felt despair. Fluffy positivity and brilliant inspirational posts did not help me. Do they now.....3 1/2 years later? Yes. And yet I also know that we cannot spiritually bypass past our suffering. We must feel it. We have to feel the pain and the loss and the grief to get to the day when we look around and see any sort of gift or goodness from our personal loss. Do I see goodness or a gift inside of my children not having their Dad? No. Absolutely....No. They need him. They will always need him. They need him in human walking earth in his body so he can hug them, raise them on his shoulders, and be there for them as they grow up. Will they one day each see a gift inside of the loss of their Dad? Maybe. Probably. Maybe not. That is completely up to them and it's their personal emotions. They may see a gift in all of this tragedy tomorrow or not for another 60 years when they look back over their lifetime and see the ripple effect of possible goodness his loss had.


You don't have to look for the gift inside of your suffering.

You may one day see a hundred gifts of love and goodness inside of your loss. This doesn't mean that you are happy and glad that the loss happened. It only means that you see the effect it had on yourself and people around you. You may never see a gift inside of your grief. That's ok too. That's ok. It's totally up to you. Sometimes there is a gift and sometimes really painful things happen that shouldn't have.

Take care of yourself.

Get a journal and write down all of your feelings. All of the emotions that you would never tell anyone else.

Get outside every single day even if it's only for a 5-10 minute walk around your neighborhood.

Rest as much as you can.

Take people up on their offers of you being able to call them to talk anytime. Or their offers of watching your children or mowing your lawn. People want to help. It makes them feel useful. It creates connection and community and healing and yes, this is a gift inside of your loss. People want to help you. Let them. And if you need to hide away right now and don't want any help? That's ok and so human too. ok? Just take care of you and the people that live in your house. Breathe. You will get through this.


Don't look for a cure.

Look for acceptance.

Look for compassionate friends and strangers.

Look for the memories of the loved one you lost. Hold those memories in your lap and allow yourself to cry, to grieve.

You don't have to look for the gift inside of your grief. At least not today. At least not today.

And, friend? Look up. You are loved. You are loved by God, by the stars in the cosmos, by the swirling breeze that comes through your window, and you are loved and protected by the person you love that died. They are always with you. Always. Here.....not way up there. Heaven is on earth. It's our hearts.

Love always, Nik


Copyright Nik Bonkoski 2020

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