This is a global page and I'm so grateful for that. So grateful for each and every one of you. How is it possible to LOVE people that you have never met? I don't know but I love each and every one of you and recognize so many of your names and profile pictures when you comment on my writing and send me messages/emails. I hope one day.....I will get to the places that you live and we can come together and talk and hug and RISE together.
This is me, dear friends. I believe in God and I still love you if you don't. We don't have to agree to be friends. We don't have to think or do or care about the same exact things to resonate with each other's soul. If you are here on this page? It's for a reason and I hope you continue to find hope, healing, knowledge, and truth here each week.
For over 6 years I have given my heart to the world. It's who I am, dear friends. I have allowed you to see my good sides, my bad sides......my terror, my brutal pain, my rising. I feel like I've stood in front of the world with no makeup, wild hair, totally exposed and naked and said, "THIS. This is trauma. And this...this is healing and rising above." And because of this journey....because of all of you....because of the trauma that almost killed me? I became who I really am. And this is proof that you can hate parts of your journey and yet be so grateful that you finally are free to be who you truly are.
I am now married to the love of my life. A man I met when I was 18 years old who calmed my spirit back then and still does the same for me today. He's my rock. God always has a plan.
And a lot of that plan is often hard and painful and messy but....here we are just the same. I went through years of pain...torture really. Let me tell you......having a spouse kill themselves? Well, I have people tell me that they try to walk in my shoes but honestly.....please, don't even try. The pain I made it through? If you want to try to imagine it? Imagine yourself walking through a raging fire carrying little babies. It's so painful.....it's so hot...you just want to give in and let go and be free and at peace but you can't....you have to save those babies. And you scream a raw scream because they took the only way out. And you don't get to.
I have had people gossip about me. I have had people tell me how I should or need to live my life. I have had people spread rumors about me...and they think that I don't know who started those rumors. I know. I've always known. I choose to rise above all of that because I know the truth. I endured a lot before my first husband killed himself. He yelled at me. He pushed me up against walls. He told me I wasn't allowed to speak about his struggles to anyone...for years, many years. So, if you think you know what I went through? You have no idea and we'll just leave it at that. No, I don't want to write a book about it. Do you want to write a book about the most painful time in your life? Do you want to write a book about how someone tore you down, shamed you, and then abandoned you? I doubt it. You want to leave it all behind you and find any happiness and peace you can while you're still alive.
I choose to help others heal and rise because I've been on the brink of death.
I will never give up on you, dear friends. I've been here for you for over 6 years and I will continue on and on and on. Because you need my wordsmith heart and....because I need you.
I choose to tell others that I tried to heal myself with meditation and mindfulness and yoga and that was just a bandaid on a very, very deep wound.
When none of that worked for long enough to sustain me? I asked God for help, for rescue...for any type of relief and that is exactly why I am here today. I used to think it was the universe helping me through. No. No. No. It was God. It was God that soothed my burns and helped me up and out and over. And that........that I will one day write a book about. I will stand on platforms and stages or in living rooms and I will hold your hand and tell you all about it with tears of truth in my eyes.
Dear friends,
I write what is on my heart. I write truth. I write what needs to be healed in the world. I'm not here on this earth to be liked or to only say what others want to hear. I write loving and raw truth and anyone is welcome to unfollow me completely if my writing doesn't light up your heart. This is my little space in the world to write real and honest things and people don't always like truth. They like comfort and I will tell you that we can't actually have both.
There is so much uncertainty in the world right now.
What's my plan each day?
I'm focusing on my family, on myself, on my marriage, and on my dreams.
I'm pulling back into my own life and protecting my family.
I'm distancing myself from people who are toxic to my health.
I'm living my life.
I'm protecting my healing.
I'm riding the waves.
So, if you are in the dark right now? I hope you feel me with you at this moment. I'm wrapping you in the biggest hug and if you don't like hugs I'm just holding your hand. I'll cry with you. I'll one day.....rejoice with you when you make it out. You will make it out. You will. Right now? Run and take cover. Take cover until your healing arrives. And I'm crying writing this, dear friend. Because I hate thinking of you sitting alone in the dark because I've been there and not one single person entered that darkness with me. Please know....I'm with you in spirit. ALWAYS.
I love you. I cherish you. I adore you.
Thank you for believing in me even though many of you are across oceans and borders and in other countries and states and of different beliefs and religions.
I love you.
Be well. Stay safe.
Stay true to your heart and know that YOU ARE LOVED ALWAYS.
Know that I am doing amazing and even though I took down my "Nik Bonkoski" Facebook page.....I am still here for you. Please, reach out anytime. Your story is safe in my heart. My warmth is yours. Always.
In warm love and endless dedication...Your friend, Nik
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