Coming alive after annihilation.
When you have been buried into the dirt....
When you have been pushed down into a darkness so deep, so lonely, so all encompassing....
it takes time to come back to life.
Over and over you will think that maybe...just maybe you are breathing again....and then you will fall back into that dark place until one day...you come out a brand new wonderful version of the old and new you. You will come alive after annihilation. You will come alive again after being buried alive. You will come alive again after having extreme horror and trauma placed onto your life and your soul by another.
There is always hope. Always. In the dark corners of that dark hole that you are in? There is hope. It shines but I know you think you can't see it but it sees you. It reaches out to you. Over and over again until it builds a ladder for you to climb up into the aliveness of your life.
I want you to know that there are some horrors that happen in some people's lives that almost take them down into the dirt forever. And so many people judge them silently along their healing journey.
But you are healing and it takes time.
It takes grit.
It takes grace.
You will find aliveness after annihilation.
Aliveness........It will find you.
There will be days, months...maybe even years where you feel you cannot smile or laugh genuinely or feel or see any dreams for your life.
But little by little....
Day by day...
Hour by hour...
You will come up through those cracks.
You will come up....step by step into the light from that dirt hole that someone threw you into.
You will feel the sunshine.
You will rise.
You will breathe fresh, new air once again.
One day.....the dreams you had before the trauma will come back to you.
The wound will always be there.
We can't simply "let it go" or forget about the traumatic experience we have been through.......but in time the wound won't rule your life anymore.
In time the you that was left with dirt under your fingernails will find the sunshine once again. You won't live inside of that destruction forever.
People who have never had horror knock on their door will never fully understand that we died on that day even though we were very much still breathing. Everything we knew to be good and true and real and loving? Was shattered. It was destroyed. Total annihilation. Like a tornado that comes through and swipes absolutely everything away and you stand there in your muddy dress with your wild hair and tear stained cheeks and the scream.....the scream growing in your belly won't escape....you simply stand there in brutal silence knowing you have to build this house (you) all over again.
I know you believe you will never smile again....
never laugh again...
never trust again....
never breathe without a sharp pain in your chest....
never dream ever again.
I know you need to release that inner scream.
So, I tell you GO.
Go somewhere in the middle of nowhere and let that scream out.
Let the annihilation be set free.
You deserve to build it all again.
You deserve all the beauty you dream of.
You deserve to breathe without sharp pains and you deserve to trust that life won't fall out from under your feet with every step you take.
You deserve to COME ALIVE.
Be gentle with yourself.
Be gentle with your heart.
Be gentle with your healing.
YOU ARE LOVED.
Always, Nik
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