Dear suicide widow,
When my first husband died by suicide almost 8 years ago......I thought I died along with him. I wished I had and I wished that a bus would hit me.
I didn't look at married couples anymore with happiness or even with jealously. I looked at them with fear. Fear for them. Didn't they know that tomorrow they could be me?
I was grieving. I was depressed. I thought my life was over at 35 years old. I wished to fade into the background, dissappear into the fog, fall asleep and never wake up.
And? This was all in the first hours the day that he died. Yes, this. I felt all of this the evening that he never came home. The evening that I couldn't sleep. The evening that I sat up in fear and shock.
I've been through a lot in the past 7 plus years. It's taken me much time and round and round emotions to get to where I am mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Most of what I have been through has been within my own mind, my own heart, my own soul and I now know that is great torture. Because no one else can see it. Because no one else can feel it. Because everyone goes back to their life, they don't call, they don't stop by, they don't see you drowning in tears at 3:00am, and when you try to describe it to them? They just can't possibly understand which further isolates you, which brings you more pain and more suffering.
Dear suicide widow,
You who feels their pain will never end. You who feels like your life is over. You will feels alone and broken and without purpose.
I've walked that gravel road. I've walked it barefoot in the snow. And I made it back home. I found my way. I healed my sharp pieces.
I had to go through the pain and the hard days to get to where I am now. It's layers and layers of healing. It's thinking you've moved forward and then feeling like you will just live alone forever to protect your fragile heart from anymore pain.
Look up, child. You are loved. This is your one precious life. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. You are allowed to move forward. Marriage, love.......they didn't hurt you. Death hurt you. And we can't predict death or the paths life takes us on. We can choose to be brave. Open our hearts. Walk straight into our fear and not let death win. You want to live alone forever? Then do that. You want to get married again? Do that. You see? It's up to you. It's your choice. Don't let fear choose for you. Don't hide away and live alone because you're afraid and if you choose love again? Wait for the one sent for you on purpose.
Dear suicide widow,
You will get through. Patience. Have patience. It's so hard and it's such a rough journey and I'm not perfect or 100% healed and I never will be but I'm not afraid anymore. And I was afraid for so, so long.
You have a purpose. You have a story to fill the pages of.
Fill them with grace. Fill them with strength. Fill them with grit and fill them with laughter.
Thank you to the woman who sent me these words:
"This message is to tell you that God is using you in so many ways that probably you don’t understand. Thank you and God Bless you, Nik."
It's words like these that keep me going and let me know that God is putting goodness onto my path. I hope my words can in any small way be that message for you, dear friend.
You are loved. Reach out. Reach out. I'm always, always here for you. I care about you endlessly.
Coffee's brewing...light's on.
No matter where you are in the world today? Know that I am there with you in spirit. I continue to tell you my story because a woman out there today might need it. I gift you my experience so you know that whatever you are going through today? You are not alone. You are not broken. I see your heart and you are BEAUTIFUL.
Love always, Nik
My support group for women who had a spouse/partner die by suicide:
The Brave Ladies Club on Facebook
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