I have forgiven everyone who has ever caused me pain.
I have forgiven them even though many have never extended an apology.
My healing is more important than holding a grudge.
I know....because I've tried it.
I tried to hold so tightly to non-forgiveness.
I played over and over in my mind what they did to me.....how they put pain into my heart.
I thought that keeping my forgiveness gripped tightly to my chest would heal me....keep me safe.
I imagined what it would be like if they apologized....I thought it would fix everything and then I learned.
I learned that believing and wishing that an apology would fix my pain wasn't grounded thinking.
They could say, "I'm so sorry." Or "I can't believe I said that to you." Or "I'll never forgive myself for abandoning you." ....and those words wouldn't heal the cracks in my heart. Those words might feel good for a moment but they don't carry the weight of my healing.
And then one day.....I chose to forgive. Without the apology.
And this forgiveness isn't a gift for them....it's grace for me. It's mercy for my pained and banged up heart.
I chose to forgive so that their wrongdoings no longer had any power over me.
I chose to forgive because I am human, too. And I hope the same forgiveness would be extended to me from anyone I have ever hurt.
Holding onto my grudges didn't feel good after awhile. Holding them started to burn my hands and taint my heart.
Holding onto them kept me tied to the past and holding onto them kept me from loving others unconditionally.
Holding onto broken record stories only brought me more suffering. And no one could fix it or heal it for me. I had to make the very, very hard and brave choice to set it all down and walk away.
I wrote down my anger, my pain, my grudges.....and I lit them up and let them blow away on the wind.
And I am free.
Free to start over.
Free to move forward.
Free to love people.
Free to let go and live my new story.
And you? You can do this too.
If you want to. When you're ready.
Love always, Nik
If you find value in my writing you can say "thank you" here. Your loving gift helps me keep my writing and loving ministry 100% online so it's free and accessible to EVERYONE ALWAYS. www.paypal.me/niktebbe https://venmo.com/nikki-bonkoski