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Happiness after the storm. Is it even allowed?

Happiness after a storm.

Is it even allowed?

Is it socially acceptable?

Not really.

Now I know you who are reading this that have never walked through a big personal storm are saying, "What? That's bull****. Of course it's allowed. You can do whatever you want with your life!"

And yes, you are right. We can do whatever we want with our lives.

But when you've been widowed young? Really widowed at any age and you come to the time when you are body/mind/soul ready to live forward, maybe find new love, a new hobby, a new path, move to a new town.... Not everyone wants to allow you to do this. Can they stop you? Well...physically? No. Mentally? YES.

This will all be in my book one day, dear ones. In detail. Be patient. It will come at the right time....when God and the stars in the sky tell me "Now, Nik!"

So for now I will say...there will be people who will try to mentally and emotionally hold you back. They will tell you that you can't move forward. You can't move on they will say. You can't move towns. You have to keep everything and anything exactly the same as when your spouse was alive so that they feel good and ok. This is unfair. This is not the truth. You can't live for others. You simply.......cannot. I was told just days after my first husband died basically that I should never, ever get married again because single Mom's raise kids alone all of the time. Chew on that. Think on that. I wasn't a single mom (yes, single moms are amazing). I was a widowed mom. A SOLO parent 24/7 and this person thought I should tough it out and do that forever for their comfort? Think about that. This is what happens behind the scenes when a person loses a spouse when they are "young". I was just about 36. Not that young really but with a long life in front of me. MY life in front of me. And even if you're widowed at 40, 50, 64, 76, 89......It's your choice how you live after that horrific and heartbreaking loss. It's your choice. Don't let anyone design your new chapter for you. You get to design it. It's your life. will change. And that's good and ok. That's LIFE. The people meant to be in your life will be in your life.

Happiness after the storm.

It's hard to put into words what it's like to be widowed and try to start your "new" life in a smallish town that you've lived in basically your entire life.

Everyone and their mother, brother, and neighbor is watching you.

Are you allowed to stop being sad and depressed and post a happy photo on social media?

Are you allowed to go out to public places and be seen smiling?

It's difficult and unless you've walked this road you couldn't understand. I write about it so you will show compassion to others that go through this. I'm long past the moving forward and the stares and the people holding me back. And now I write to help others understand widowhood from the perspective of a woman who went through it in her 30's with two very young children.

For a long time....I held myself back because of all of the stares and people telling me I should "live my life alone" and keep everything the same. It was so detrimental to my mental health. They no longer seen me as a person but a "stand in" for the person who was no longer on earth. They didn't care about my hopes and dreams but only that I keep everything the same: holidays, weekends, where I lived, and so on....exactly the same so they felt ok with their grief. At times? It almost put me into the ground. It's a lot of pressure. You cannot be someone else's living legacy. You cannot live for someone who has died. You can only live what is in your unique heart.

So you...You out there who has walked this road. You are allowed to move forward. You are allowed to live again, breathe again, laugh again, smile again. You are allowed to be happy after your storm whenever that happens to be for you. It doesn't mean you don't care or you're not grieving or you don't hate what happened.

It means you're a human being who realizes that God gave you one life and you are going to heal your heart as much as you can and you are going to find the small glimmers of happiness when you can because wasting your life away in a cold basement isn't honoring anyone and it definitely isn't honoring the life that God gave YOU.

Love always, Nik


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