Life is a journey of battlefields and bursting joy.
You never truly know what is around the corner and the cloud...that dark cloud can follow you from town to town, decade to decade, day to day.
Dearest friends,
I LOVE YOU.
All of you....unconditionally I love you with a pure friendship love. I care about you. I want to know when you're ok, when you're in the dark, and when you're bursting with rainbows of happiness flying out of your heart.
I do think that some of our souls are super sensitive to this cruel world.
How do we stay here on earth?
Find a purpose outside of yourself........find a purpose outside of your pain.....your children, a stranger who needs your story and listening ear, an animal that needs a home...
My trauma will quiver within my bones for the rest of my life but I will not let it steal my life from me as it has tried many, many times to do. It has tried to hush me when I speak my truth to the world. It has tried to suffocate me when I try to move forward.
But....I have learned I can fight back. This is my life. I am not defined by my painful past. I am strengthened by it. It made me more compassionate and yes, more fragile and yes, more brave ....and yes..more aware to take life and LIVE it while you can. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Follow your heart, your soul.
Those dark thoughts that tell you to leave this earth? That's not your heart. It's not your soul. Fight it. Fight it and reach out and hold on, hold on, hold on.
I can't promise that every tragedy will end with a new story, new hope, new love.
But isn't it worth a try?
I prayed a grievers prayer for years.....on my basement floor, on my bathroom floor. Trust me my life is not all roses and good hair days and happiness. I spent nights throwing up from the awfulness of it all. Saying to myself over and over and over, "Nik, just hold on. Just hold on."
It was awful. It was brutal and most people will never even begin to comprehend pain and depression and PTSD of that magnitude.
And, friends? I'm not fully healed. No one ever is. That's the beauty of life. We keep a bit of our painful story with us so that we can shine, shine for others to pull them out of the dark.
I made it out because I had an angel walking beside me. An angel I had never ever met on earth but they stayed beside me just as your angel is with you...even if you don't believe.
What am I saying? I'm saying that you could have a totally new life next year, or in 6 months, 2 months, or 5 years. Wait out the storm. Reach out to those who can care for you.
One day, you will be so glad....like I am...that you didn't take that fateful jump. You will be so grateful that you decided that another's actions do.not.define.YOU. You will be so happy that you learned from the pain and believed that you were deserving of love and a new story.
Healing takes time, friends.
You will get there. I pray you get there.
I hold you all in my heart.
You are my blessing in the storm. You gave me a purpose. THANK YOU.
I'm here for you always...and forever.....because I know what it feels like, because I found my purpose within all of you....because it's what I have been called by God to do.
My trauma still makes me afraid to cross the street and you know what, dear ones? I cross the street anyways.
You are loved...dearest friends...always and forever.
Love always, Nik
Leave me a tip to say 'thank you' for my writing if it helps your heart. God bless you! Your loving support helps me keep my writing 100% online so it is free and accessible to everyone. www.paypal.me/niktebbe https://venmo.com/nikki-bonkoski
Beautiful messages from people who follow my writing! "Astounding. But, I am not surprised. I have just fallen upon your fabulous presence, via whatever mechanisms that seem to conspire such things. Your experience is the gift, ultimately to us all. Thank you for seeing the gift, and thank you so much for being one who understands the duty to share. The beauty is that you know what I mean." "You are so profoundly eloquent. The beauty of how you shape such words is moving in and of itself." "Dear Nik, When the darkness consumed me, I couldn’t understand why. I prayed to God for help. I prayed for him to send help. He didn’t - except that you appeared in my FB newsfeed. To this day, I cannot tell you how. You brought me back to what I knew - nature heals, writing heals. Nothing else was helping. Then you experienced a return to your faith, my faith I thought had failed me. I was angry. I stopped getting on FB, but I never stopped hearing your words resounding in the quiet corners of my mind. Slowly, almost against my will, I returned to your posts and faith has begun to creep back into my heart. I am a work in progress, a soul still fighting a darkness I don’t understand, but you have given me hope." “I do not know you, but I felt I needed to tell you THANK YOU! Thank you for putting into words my own feelings. Thank you for being the light with your words when I am in such darkness. The struggle on a daily basis for me to choose life...is one of the hardest things I cope with on a daily, minute by minute basis... having to always remind myself to choose life. It is almost a year now that I have began going to church and feel God's presence guides me by being the light. I believe he sends people into my life to remind me to choose life. Thank you for always helping others. You help even people who do not reach out to you. You do all things through Love. Thank you!!”
"Thank you for being you, you help so much more than you will ever know I am finally happy with a wonderful fiance and new job. I felt so hopeless at times. You normalized sadness when everyone wanted me quiet. You have done so much for me.... maybe one day I will learn to be an awesome writer too." "Hi Nik... I’m a Brave Lady (sort of... more on that later when I’m as brave as I’d like to be.) I write, in this moment near dawn, simply to tell you that you are such an inspiration to me. Your writings are minted water poured over a dry creek bed... each one revealing glimpses of your shattering while in themselves overwhelming and capturing the faith and strength that supported your golden decision to stay. I suffer for you and then, I suffer for the wretched souls that blindly reach for anything that might ease the agony if only for a moment... at first... but you never leave us reaching and wanting... not ever! I’ve learned that I can bear your suffering and my own with faith that beyond it I will find my own reasons to stay. You are a special soul and I hope you know that you are respected, admired and loved. Best of all, you are someone (sometimes the ONLY one) we can believe in. There are no words to describe how precious that is to the broken but hopeful empath that is me. Thank you so much and God bless your brave, loving heart for making the decision to stay to try to help the rest of us with our own decisions. Your broken wings have healed beautifully dear angel!"