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Life is a journey of battlefields & bursting joy.












Life is a journey of battlefields and bursting joy.


You never truly know what is around the corner and the cloud...that dark cloud can follow you from town to town, decade to decade, day to day.


Dearest friends,


I LOVE YOU.


All of you....unconditionally I love you with a pure friendship love. I care about you. I want to know when you're ok, when you're in the dark, and when you're bursting with rainbows of happiness flying out of your heart.


I do think that some of our souls are super sensitive to this cruel world.


How do we stay here on earth?


Find a purpose outside of yourself........find a purpose outside of your pain.....your children, a stranger who needs your story and listening ear, an animal that needs a home...


My trauma will quiver within my bones for the rest of my life but I will not let it steal my life from me as it has tried many, many times to do. It has tried to hush me when I speak my truth to the world. It has tried to suffocate me when I try to move forward.


But....I have learned I can fight back. This is my life. I am not defined by my painful past. I am strengthened by it. It made me more compassionate and yes, more fragile and yes, more brave ....and yes..more aware to take life and LIVE it while you can. Don't wait. Don't hesitate. Follow your heart, your soul.


Those dark thoughts that tell you to leave this earth? That's not your heart. It's not your soul. Fight it. Fight it and reach out and hold on, hold on, hold on.


I can't promise that every tragedy will end with a new story, new hope, new love.


But isn't it worth a try?


I prayed a grievers prayer for years.....on my basement floor, on my bathroom floor. Trust me my life is not all roses and good hair days and happiness. I spent nights throwing up from the awfulness of it all. Saying to myself over and over and over, "Nik, just hold on. Just hold on."


It was awful. It was brutal and most people will never even begin to comprehend pain and depression and PTSD of that magnitude.


And, friends? I'm not fully healed. No one ever is. That's the beauty of life. We keep a bit of our painful story with us so that we can shine, shine for others to pull them out of the dark.


I made it out because I had an angel walking beside me. An angel I had never ever met on earth but they stayed beside me just as your angel is with you...even if you don't believe.


What am I saying? I'm saying that you could have a totally new life next year, or in 6 months, 2 months, or 5 years. Wait out the storm. Reach out to those who can care for you.


One day, you will be so glad....like I am...that you didn't take that fateful jump. You will be so grateful that you decided that another's actions do.not.define.YOU. You will be so happy that you learned from the pain and believed that you were deserving of love and a new story.


Healing takes time, friends.


You will get there. I pray you get there.


I hold you all in my heart.


You are my blessing in the storm. You gave me a purpose. THANK YOU.


I'm here for you always...and forever.....because I know what it feels like, because I found my purpose within all of you....because it's what I have been called by God to do.


My trauma still makes me afraid to cross the street and you know what, dear ones? I cross the street anyways.


You are loved...dearest friends...always and forever.

Love always, Nik





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