New Age Spirituality couldn't save me.

This is my personal experience.

New age spirituality could not and did not save me up out of my deep pain and struggles.

And I needed saving.....from deep pain from suicide loss, guilt, shame, blame, depression that was leading to suicidal ideation and more.

I thought it was the answer for me after my first husband died by suicide in 2015 because trauma of this magnitude can leave you questioning everything you believe. But...It kept me searching, reaching, longing for more. It kept me asking the Universe to heal me and time and again the pain resurfaced and my inner struggles grew louder. It held me dependent on myself and it was hard to carry the load all alone. It did not bring me peace, a feeling of wholeness, or any sort of contentedness. It was shiny and glittery and full of personal power promises but even with all the glitter and the knowledge...I was still in pain and still deeply lost and struggling. It was dressed up in pretty popular packages but it couldn't heal my personal pain, grief, trauma, and life long struggles. And then the Real Jesus found me out on the dirt road in 2018, brushed the glitter off of me, and walked me back home. It was a life changing difference that brought me back to my Christian roots....roots I ran from for so long.... healed me in ways that only He could do, and set me on my one true path. It's a long, detailed, painful, up and down/back and forth, and beautiful story that one day I will tell in full....hopefully inside the pages of a book or right on my blog for others to read and learn from.

I know this is why God kept holding me back from writing a book before this change in my life. It wasn't time. I wasn't ready. I was on a journey that I didn't even fully understand yet. God was fixing the house from the inside out and the house was me. If I would have written the book wouldn't be the right book for the real me. It would be shiny and glittery and maybe what the masses want to hear and what is popular on the "Self-Help" shelves but, I want to write what is hard and honest and will stand the test of time. A dear friend told me that a writing teacher told her that after tragedy.......we should wait at least eight years before we sit down to write about it. Wow....that advice has stuck with me as it rings so, so true to my life. We have to live the tragedy and then live the after for quite a few years before we fully have grown into the person we are going to be in the aftermath. Write the book or the blog memoir too soon and it won't be the full story and we can't be our true selves if we aren't telling the whole story. We have to live way out past the tragedy and then be able to look back at it and over it with a healed heart and a newfound perspective.

This is my personal experience.

I never share anything to tell you that this is 100% the way for everyone. I am not telling you that Jesus is the only way.....I am telling you my personal story, my life experience.

We all must find and choose our own journey.

I share this to let you know my story in case it might resonate with something inside of your own heart and that maybe through my sharing you will meet the Real Jesus too like I did in 2018 when I sat around a campfire by myself reading a book by a woman Pastor and one sentence in the book had me in heaping tears. That sentence changed my entire life and put me onto my personal path to healing forward. That one sentence in a book out of hundreds I had read put a shock through my heart and let me finally believe that Jesus loves me and forgives me. One day I will tell you the full story but for now I leave you with this:

I have been writing for almost five years to help others and I always write what is true to my heart and what is on my mind. I have never tried to write what is relatable to 100% of people because then I wouldn't be being true to myself and it's impossible to be relatable to every single woman and man around the world that reads my writings. I have to stay authentic and true to myself or I lose my identity and I've done that in the past in my life before I started writing and I will never do that again. Stay true to who you are, dear ones.

Always. Always.

New age spirituality kept me lost and reaching out into the vast Universe....hoping the Universe would heal me and have my back and it simply didn't work out that way. It kept me thinking I could heal myself from easily telling myself I was strong and healed and that didn't really last long either. When I couldn't manifest my healing or my saving or my dreams? I felt more worthless, more lost, more alone, more broken and like I couldn't do anything right.

It didn't save me and it couldn't save me because it kept me focused on my SELF.

Jesus found me on the broken dirt road, healed me with His big LOVE, and took me home where I feel grounded, alive, joyful, and found. I'm not lost anymore. I'm not reaching. I'm living inside of my life and resting on God for the big answers. I'm not trying to get millions of people to like me or agree with my personal story. This is my story and I'm ok with the fact that some will not have a similar view or experience.

I also think it’s necessary for you to know this happened to me without any forced influence of anyone. No spiritual mentor, Pastor, or person pushed me onto this path. I came to this on my own through time in nature, reading piles of books, and thousands of hours alone to think and be aware of God’s voice. I came to this through deep pain after tragedy. I wanted to end my life, dear friends....and God saved me and it’s my duty to share my story. It's my duty to share my testimony of how God saved me. I lived this path I’m on now for two years before choosing to write about it. I didn’t change, dear ones. I just healed many of my life’s hurts and I now I can write from a place of healing. I didn’t change.....I broke out my my cocoon.

And so no one misunderstands me...New Age spirituality is anything “new” since the 1970’s. It's all the uber popular books you see in the "Self-Help" section at the bookstore. I have piles upon piles of those books and while they gave me many "Aha" moments.....they didn't save me from what I desperately needing saving from. When you go through suicide loss? Or any loss that rocks your entire world and throws you into a pit of deep despair? Your entire life is torn to pieces. Everything you thought to be right and true? You question it all and you try to find answers to your healing....answers to why your tragedy happened and that is what set me on the path of New age spiritually for awhile. I was lost, dear ones. I was looking for any sort of relief and the only relief and healing I found was through nature, writing, and then through my reconnecting with the Real Jesus. The one I met when I was a little child.

This is my story. My experience. And one day I will write the entire story so you can fully understand my heart and the path I've been on.

Love always, Nik Bonkoski

If this page and my writings help you through hard days....You can say 'thank you' here: Your donations help me to keep my loving ministry fully online and safe in 2020.


Copyright Nikki Bonkoski 2020

All images and text on this blog are credited to Nikki Bonkoski, unless otherwise stated. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from Nikki Bonkoski is strictly prohibited.

Excerpts and links to this blog are permitted, providing that full credit is given to Nikki Bonkoski with clear and specific direction to the original content.