No one is ever too far gone. No one.
This is me....just days after my first husband shot himself almost six years ago. I'm standing in the light on the land where he took his life....but friends? I was in the dark. I was so far in the dark over and over again in the years after his suicide that I wished the bus would hit me when I crossed the street. I begged the high winds to push me off the bluff when I was hiking. I hoped to go to sleep and never wake up. I wanted to die because I didn't know how to live with all of the pain and shame and abandonment. I wanted to die because handling grief and depression and anxiety and panic attacks and PTSD each day? It's brutal. Really brutal and so hard when you're also a Mama to littles. I felt worthless and tossed to the side. And I did what most of us do...I smiled through it all. I said I was "Ok" when I very much was not. I didn't know how to reach out for help or how to tell anyone what I was feeling so I kept it to myself. Only through writing my brutal raw truth for the world to read, therapy, oodles of time in nature, and listening to the faint whisper of God did I heal and transform my darkness into goodness, honesty, and raging, beautiful light. I wanted to give up so deeply. I had to go through those dark days and the deep loneliness and the shame and the sharp pain and the endless void of numbness so I could get to where I am now. Many years down the road......Content, living in a different town, healed enough to live forward, happy, and joyful with grit on my sleeve and a heart filled with grace. I am a wounded healer. I had to cut ties with the past to be able to live a brand new life. If I would have ended my life? I would have missed out on all of this wonderful beauty I am experiencing now if I would have stepped in front of that bus. I would have missed out on my children's love and hugs and laughter. I would have missed out on my amazing kids growing up. I would have missed out on getting married to my wonderful husband James and building a beautiful life together over the next 50 years. I would have missed out on my calling of writing to inspire others to fight for their life and holding grievers hands and being a spiritual mentor to many across the globe. I would have missed my purpose. I would have broken God's heart. I would have missed beautiful sunsets and wine and laughter with soul friends and my dear grandpa's 90th birthday party and then holding his hand while my hot tears dripped on his cheek while he was dying months later. I would have missed him calling me his sweetheart in my ear as Jesus came to take him home to Heaven. I would have missed my parents hugs and my nephews smile and having the honor to become his Godmother. I would have missed out on one day.....maybe becoming a Grandma and telling my stories to my grandchildren around big bonfires with my long grey hair blowing in the breeze. I would have missed out on LIFE. No one is ever too far gone. No one. Not you....not me. You are LOVED. Always. You can make it through. You will make it through. You are loved...... in your darkness and in your light. Don't cash in our life, dear friends. Stay....and fight. Fight to get to the light once again.
God loves you. I love you.
Love always, Nik
Writer, Grief Support Specialist, Christian Spiritual Mentor Leave me a tip to say 'thank you' for my writing if it helps your heart. God bless you! Your loving support helps me keep my writing and loving ministry 100% online so it is free and accessible to everyone. www.paypal.me/niktebbe https://venmo.com/nikki-bonkoski I am moving all of my writing off of social media to my blog. I hope you continue to follow along. I will now be posting my writing and loving ministry only here in this beautiful and sacred space. This is a step forward in my journey of ministering to hearts around the globe. I love you, dear ones. If you need to reach out? Please, do so here by emailing me and not on my social media pages. I'm here for you always. I'll never leave you to row the boat alone. Reach out, I care about you. Reach out, you aren't really alone. Reach out, I'm waiting here for you with a warm hug and my words of wisdom, friendship, and love. Thank you and God bless. xoxo email@example.com
My FREE Facebook support groups: Grief Untamed, The Brave Ladies Club, Manhood Untamed "Hi Nik, I wanted to thank you for saving the life of my daughter. We didn’t know how much she was suffering but you gave her the will to live and the knowledge that she is very, very loved and needed by her babies and her family. Your words have saved a life but also gave her the will to get through this and to know much she is loved. I will be forever in your debt. Thank you Nik." "What a true legacy and a public service you are doing, Nik..unfortunately out of your own pain you have found strength and have placed in the mind of others to seek help . I applaud you. Well done. What you do is not easy but you do it anyway." "Hi, Nik! First off, I want to let you know that I consider you a best friend, because that’s how much I connect with you and your writing. My husband died by suicide almost 3 months ago, making me a widow at 20 years old. Over those past 3 months, your words have been there for me when others haven’t and comforted me in ways others couldn’t. I’ve read every single one of your Facebook posts about 5 times over, and I even have some memorized. To know that the thoughts and feelings I’m experiencing are normal is so comforting in the most painful yet beautiful way. Painful because I wish that none of us would have to endure this loss, but beautiful because none of us are alone in the fight. So thank you, for giving me hope, for changing my life, and for inspiring me to do the same for others. All the love." "I'm trying so hard to find self-love. I still think about death every day. And life keeps throwing it at me... Maybe one day I'll catch a break. But until then my beautiful daughters and siblings I do have are enough. I read and reread your posts. I need them as fuel. You are beautiful and I just wanted to let you know your words mean more than you could ever know." "THANK YOU for ALL you do!! At a low point now.... your promising words mean everything!"