Updated: Jul 17
One day you will be surprised by the sound of your own laughter....by the new beat of your own heart.
One day you will realize it's been so long since you cried yourself to sleep or had to find a pillow to catch your echoing screams.
One day it won't hurt as much as it used to.
Healing takes time.
Trauma oozes out little by little....ever so slowly over the years.
One day you will be surprised to finally understand that life does truly keep going, keep ticking...... and inside of that ticking and going you are healing and you are changing.
One day your triggers won't knock you to your knees.
You will hear songs on the radio that used to put you into such heaving tears that you had to pull over to the side of the road.......one day you will hear these songs and only feel warm reminiscence of a beautiful time long, long ago.
One day.....you will look back over all of the years of pain and you will be amazed that you made it to today. You were broken, abandoned, and your heart was burning but today you are full of resilience and amazing grace.
One day you will be able to picture yourself dancing again.....maybe you're dancing with friends around a fire, maybe you're dancing in the kitchen with your children, and maybe you're dancing at your wedding with the love of your life. But, friends? You're going to dance again and it will be so beautiful.
The trauma and pain leaves slowly. And there is no timeline and you can't stay stuck in a story that ended just to make others feel comfort......not when you feel the wind pulling your hair, your soul, in another direction.
It's ok to move forward. It's ok to move on. Make the choice to keep living, keep breathing...keep being pulled by the stars and the voice in Heaven telling you your new path.
You do not have to live inside of those dark screams forever.
You do not have to prolong your moving forward for the comfort of others hearts. That's not your job. Your job is to be an example of a humans ability to rise out of the dirt.
You do not have to spend the rest of your life crying in the shower, in the car, on the couch, at a party...on a Sunday or in the middle of dinner.
You can heal.
You can love life once again.
Your wound will always be with you. Always. Give it love. Give it time. Give it attention and compassion when it throbs.
Your next chapter is out there waiting for you, calling to you on the wind. You just have to say, "Yes" when God tries to lay a new life at your feet. Will it be easy? Of course not. It will be one of the hardest things you have ever done. You will have to give up more to get to this new place but you're worth it.
One day you will stand at your window and you will realize that you aren't screaming anymore, you don't see darkness out the glass anymore......you are ready to do whatever it takes to follow that whispering wind because you know and I know that life is so precious, and sometimes unfairly short, and that tragedy could knock on our doors again within the hour so we should love again and laugh again and forgive ourselves and them for everything because that forgiveness will catapult our healing into a bright shining light of mercy.
I call "enough". I've endured enough dark days. Enough screaming. Enough wailing. Enough anger. Enough loneliness and depression and moments of wishing for the bus to hit me so my life would end. I deserve roses and compassion and whatever else my soul desires.
I'm chasing the wind and you can one day too if you choose to.
Build your boundaries. Keep them strong to protect your healing. Be ruthless about protecting your own life.
One day the pain will mellow out and you will be surprised by the sound of your own laughter......the loving beat of your own heart.
My heart will always be broken in a certain place. God stitched that up and it belongs to me. And that's ok. I'm content with knowing that broken part of my heart gave me wisdom that others won't gain until they are 90 and I'm 41. That broken part of my heart gave me endless compassion and understanding of others hardships. That broken part of my heart did not stop me from falling in love with the man who now calls me his wife. And that's the outstanding power of the human heart. It's built to love, love, love.
I will never stop giving you hope. Even when you don't want to hear it...even when you can't seem to believe it. No matter where my path takes me........I am here for all of you with my wordsmith heart. I will forever turn my soul out towards the world to tell you my stories, teach you my learned lessons, and inspire you with whatever I have to offer. You all mean the world to me. I pray for you every single day. I offer you my words, my heart, because you picked me up these past almost 6 years and you healed me with your compassion and your kindness. When I wanted to die......you gave me a deep purpose to live for. There are so many of you that follow my blog from around the world.......friendships we have forged through our shared trauma and it’s beautiful. I will pay you back through my poetry and prose for the rest of my days on this earth.
Follow the wind when it's calling you. Listen to what it has to say. It's your angels, your lost loved ones, your soul, and God telling you to get out there and live your life before it's too late.
One day you will be ok.
Love always, your friend- Nik
Writer, Grief Support Specialist, Christian Spiritual Mentor
P.S. My Facebook page "Nik Bonkoski" has been hacked and I have no access to it. I cannot post, delete, or answer messages. I would like to keep all of my writing and loving ministry right here on my blog/website so it is 100% safe and secure. Leave me a tip to say 'thank you' for my writing if it helps your heart. God bless you! Your loving support helps me keep my writing and loving ministry 100% online so it is free and accessible to everyone. Thank you for believing in the LOVE and help I put out into the world! www.paypal.me/niktebbe https://venmo.com/nikki-bonkoski I am moving all of my writing off of social media to my blog. I hope you continue to follow along. I will now be posting my writing and loving ministry only here in this beautiful and sacred space. This is a step forward in my journey of ministering to hearts around the globe. I love you, dear ones. If you need to reach out? Please, do so here by emailing me and not on my social media pages. I'm here for you always. I'll never leave you to row the boat alone. Reach out, I care about you. Reach out, you aren't really alone. Reach out, I'm waiting here for you with a warm hug and my words of wisdom, friendship, and love. Thank you and God bless. xoxo email@example.com Beautiful messages from people who follow my writing: "Beautiful testimony. It took me over 15 years to stop and listen to God after we lost my brother. I was on a rollercoaster of angry, upset, confused, hurt... for a LONG time. Your words have far reaching consequences Nik that you will probably not ever learn about in this lifetime and I’m so grateful for your ministry." "Nik, I want you to know your page has been the biggest eye opener to my life. I look forward to seeing your page and reading your uplifting posts. It's reminds me to keep on keeping on. I truly respect you and your ability to be vulnerable with strangers. It's inspiring to see you use your pain and suffering, to reach out to others. I aspire to be half the person you are one day." "Nik, You help me to fight the demons inside... Thank you! Your strength is inspirational and courageous!"