When trauma hit my life in 2015 the pain inside of my mind told me to pick up a bottle of vodka, lay on the couch, and drink until I couldn't feel the pain.
The darkness inside of my veins told me to drag my lifeless body out of bed in the morning and make the choice to end my own life.
The mother in me, the wild woman in me, the wolf in me screamed, "No. I will not do that to my children. I will not abandon them. I will not follow that road or unloving advice."
I chose to follow my soul and not the pain. I didn't touch alcohol for a year and a half until that dark lying pain left my soul. Alcohol was not my enemy but what the pain was trying to tell me to do with it was. The pain will try to trick you into drowning it out, comforting it with unhealthy vices but the pain is wrong. I can now enjoy a glass of wine because that dark pain in me is healed and I am following my soul and my light and not the dark voice of my everlasting trauma.
I chose to keep living my life....even on the days that I hated it. Even on the days that each breathe felt like a knife.
You can rise out of that trauma like a wolf.
Wise. Calm. Aware. Glorious.
I outran the pain in the woods.
And then I sat down on a rock by a creek and listened not to my pain but to my soul and to the drumming beat of God's love in my heart.
Inside of every woman is a wolf.
Passionate. Keen instincts. Timeliness Knowing.
Life will break us down often. This could be due to the loss of a loved one, an illness, a breakup, a divorce, abandonment, career loss, pandemic, or people who tell us we are unlovable and not of value.
You can follow the dark pain into self destruction or you can be the wolf that lives in your heart.
Brave. Wise. Aware.
We have to let our souls be washed over by our suffering and we need to listen to the pain when it offers loving advice and learning but when it tells you to do something that could very well be destructive to your life and the lives of your children?
Rise up.
FIGHT for your life.
Step out into Mother Nature, take off your shoes and ground yourself to the earth. Listen not to your mind and the pain's lies but to your heart, soul, and God.
Don't allow the pain to tame you.
Don't allow it to leave you drunk on the couch.....don't allow it to make you end your life.
Be the wolf who runs free and finds their healing alongside a creek, on a mountain, or in their very own backyard.
Run....Go, Be wild and free.
Love always, Nik
donating = loving
https://venmo.com/nikki-bonkoski
Cash app: Nikki Bonkoski
For almost 7 years my blog has remained free (and ad-free). It takes me hundreds of hours a month to research, write, and sustain my work. Your support really matters. If you find any value in what I do, if my writing has helped your life and your heart...please consider becoming a sustaining patron with a recurring monthly donation of your choosing, between a cup of coffee and a good book. You can also become a spontaneous supporter with a one-time donation in any amount. God bless you.
