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Strong vs. Fragile.

Often times in our lives......we are BOTH. Both but people only want to view us as one or the other.

"You're so strong" something I have been told for going on a decade now.

In words, in cards, in whispers...... in looks on the street

When your husband kills himself "out of the blue" and you have to pick out a dress and stand and greet hundreds of people at his wake?

You are viewed as strong.

Strong because she stands and doesn't bend at the knees.

Strong because she is consoling them instead of them consoling her. People, "I'm so sorry for your loss. Did you know he was depressed? How will you and the kids survive?"....and her, "Thank you. We will be ok. Don't worry about us. I'm so sorry for your loss."

But sometimes..... I wish I could have been fragile when my world was destroyed 8 years ago 9-10-15.

It's hard to be strong.

It's exhausting to be strong.

It's an armor that we cannot take off. It' not removable. It's permanent. And that strength has literally saved my live so I am so grateful for the armor that I cannot remove because without it....I also might not be on this earth.

Strength vs. fragility.

I don't have a choice whether or not I am strong and many women in shoes feel the exact same way.

We have to be strong.

Every day.

Every moment.

Every tick tock on the clock: strong is the only choice.

There's a difference....a big and huge and vast difference between the choice to be strong and being forced into being strong.

Strong when she stands in the grocery store line a week after his suicide and she hears people whisper, "She must have known he was depressed. She must have known something was wrong. Why wouldn't she save him?" ....and she has to keep standing there with her little children....swallowing the tears......because back then? There wasn't grocery store pickup or delivery....there was only this. Only this standing and being shamed in your own hometown.

Over the years since his funeral.....I've dreamed.....that I could be fragile.

Because fragile things are delicate and they are cherished and treasured and people are more careful with them.

People check on fragile things.

People are more careful with fragile things because they are delicate and a rare beauty that they don't want to bruise or hurt.

I want everyone reading this to remember that strong people can break......too.

Strong people deserve to be checked on...too.

Strong people are strong because they were broken and that is a badge of honor and a curse at the same time. Our armor doesn't come off.

At the lowest points in my journey after my first husband killed himself?

No one noticed. No one reached out. No one called to save my life.

No one came to pull me out of my darkness.

No one asked if I was "ok".

No one.......and I had lovely people around me many days of the month.

We tell people to check on people but that is a very, very hard task and not many are up to that task. Not many at all......and that is the truth.

It's easier to call someone "strong" and pray for the best than it is to sit with them in their total darkness and watch them ugly cry and ramble words that make no sense and listen to them say scary and dark things. It's easier to say from your warm and safe house, "Call me if you need anything!"...than it is to go to the broken person's house and listen to their screams, clean up their vomit, watch the pain and terror in their little babies eyes.

It's harder to hold them through it than it and just listen than it is to stay away and hope it gets better.

So you reading this. I hope in your life you are never forced to be strong. I hope that even if you I was 8 years ago: 9-10-2015 at around lunchtime....I hope that you have at least ONE person in your life who treats you like you are a fragile and beautiful and rare flower because you deserve that type of love.

You deserve to be celebrated for your strength and treated like you are able and capable and STRONGER than anyone around you and you also deserve to be loved softly and sweetly.

You deserve both.

I pray you receive it.

I'm sending you all of my warmth and love today and always.


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