I no longer write poetry about wanting to die.
My fingers hit the keyboard these days....and they write things about LOVE and overcoming, rising up and crawling out of dark spaces......believing in lights at ends of tunnels even when you long to disappear forever.
For a long time I wrote about pain and trying to figure out suicide and I have learned so much since those early days of my soul's new birth.
I have learned that there is no "one reason" that anyone follows through with taking their own life. How do I know this? Is this contradictory to what you read in the slogans of "You can be the one to save a life." or..."Every suicide can be stopped if you just reach out to your friends."......
You see........I hear from real humans. I keep them all anonymous because that is what I am meant to do. Hold all the painful stories inside of me until LOVE heals them and washes them away.
I hear from real humans and some want to take their life because of depression. For others it's because they lost their job or the love of their life and they just don't want to do this thing anymore. Some say that they've had this feeling since they were a child but have never told anyone. And others are in so much physical or mental pain that they can't take it anymore. They literally cannot take it anymore. Some say life is too hard....and they are too tired. Some say their life feels pointless and that they should get to choose when they exit this world. Some hear things others don't hear and see things others can't see and it's terrifying but you don't ever see that on a "save a life" slogan because yes, it's too scary for most people to hear about. And some say they are running.......running from shame or a bad childhood or whatever else it is that humans run from.
So I want you to know that I am listening.
I want you to know the truth.....that not every life can be saved, will be saved,
or wants to be saved......But every life deserves to be saved. Every single one.
I want you to know that slogans will never save people. People save people. Medication and therapy and nature save people. Hugs and listening saves people.
I want you to know that I know it's a lot of pressure to be told that if you just called your "strong friend" they wouldn't take their life. It's a lot of pressure to read, "You could be the one! You can save a life." You could call them. You could visit them every single day and they could still leave this earth. It's not your fault. Are you listening? It is not your fault.
I don't write about wanting to die anymore.
I don't write from dark, cold basements anymore and I don't feel alone in the fact that my fingers hit the keyboard and sometimes they write such raw truth....others tell me to stop...and others tell me to put it into a book so it lasts forever. My friends and family didn't save me by reaching in to me. When they would reach in? I pushed them out. I couldn't feel their love. I thought they just couldn't understand. I didn't know how to allow them to help or what to actually ask for when they said "What can I do? What do you need?" I don't know how people get saved from dark basements and darker thoughts. I don't believe there is any one answer to that or any perfect solution. I know too much from the other side of human stories....things most people couldn't handle knowing.
Here's what I have learned for my own dark times....
We often praise God or the universe or whatever you sit around by yourself and say "Thank you" to when things go good or right.......We praise being saved from the dark. We cry out in such relief and gratitude when we make it out or over or around and we forget.....
We forget or maybe we don't realize that sometimes......closed doors are the way God saves us or the universe screams, "I Love you!"
I am thankful for the way the light creeped into my heart to save me from that dark poetry and lungs that didn't want to breathe.....and I am also thankful for all the slammed doors. All the roads I thought I wanted to go down. All the mistakes I have made in my life that other humans might shame me for but I now understand.....that was God...it was God saying, "I love you. This isn't the way. I love you. I'm closing this door so you will scatter.....so you will move...so you will accept change."
I no longer write poetry about wanting to die.
And yet....when you write to me about your own pain and dark thoughts.....Oh, dear friend...I still understand. I wrap you in a big warm blanket and I listen without judgement or fear. I listen because I know how hard it is to find a place to lay down those words without someone trying to give you endless advice that isn't always helpful.
Yes, my writing saved me from that dark space.
Yes, I know that God saved me and why? Well, I guess God saved me for YOU. So my fingers could touch keyboards and write what others are too afraid to say. So my heart could warm yours. So my LOVE could reach you wherever it is you are sitting in the dark feeling cold and alone.
I don't feel special or extraordinary. I feel like I was given a mission.....a job and it isn't an easy one. It's hard and it's different and it's draining. But I accept it and I work really, really hard at it because I don't want to write that dark poetry ever again. And maybe none of this post makes any sense. And that's ok.....my fingers hit the keyboard and they write. I don't ask questions....I just allow it to flow because I know that 100,000 people could read this and keep scrolling thinking it's total junk.....and one...one human could read it and it could change their life today. I write for that ONE.
So if you are in the dark. If you are contemplating the literally thousands of reasons that humans want their lives to end? I tell you that you are loved. I tell you to look around. Really, really look around and see with not only your eyes....but with your heart the ways that you may be of help or service or comfort to other humans around you. Getting your soul on a mission when you're in the dark? Sometimes, it's literally impossible. And sometimes, it's the only thing that will save you from that dark, cold basement.
LOVE doesn't sit on the sidelines, dear friends. Love does whatever it can....it gets up and gives a hug, it listens when others turn away.
Don't cash it in today. One day....you might not want to write that dark poetry anymore. You never know.....You just never know.
Your life matters. You are LOVED and worthy of living no matter how you feel.
Friend, if you are reading this? I'm wrapping you in a warm blanket and I'm telling you, "I love you. STAY." I've been where you might be today....thinking of ending it all to make the pain and despair stop and to stop the feelings of being a burden to others. I've been there and I made it out and friend? You're going to make it out too. I'm praying for you. Every...Single....Day.
Love always....your friend, Nik Bonkoski
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