Trauma didn't make me stronger.

I've been studying and researching trauma for almost 7 years.

When trauma first struck down my life and hit my nervous system like a lightening bolt?

I had no words.

Months went by and I started to breathe again.

I started to come alive again.

And I thought that the trauma made me strong.

I thought I was oh so resilient.

And now? Almost 7 years later.

I wish and pray to never be called resilient ever again in my life.

I am not resilient simply because I lived through my first husbands suicide.

I am simply a woman who kept putting one foot in front of the other.

Even when it was hard.

I want warm friendships.

I want to be seen for who I really am.

Someone who was almost destroyed by trauma and rose up and out and above with the help of God's love. Someone who can't stop crying when my trauma is triggered. Someone who thinks of every bad scenario that could ever happen because I know they do happen. Someone who keeps quiet because confrontation is not her friend.

Trauma did not make me stronger.

My response to the trauma made me stronger.

Time in nature made me stronger.

Surrendering my heart to Jesus made me stronger.

I lost my identity when trauma came into my life.

I lost the entirety of who I am. Poof...gone.

I no longer could laugh at things most people laugh at.

I couldn't carry on a regular conversation to save my life.

I couldn't get through a day without feeling not simply afraid but absolutely terrified.

Every night: lock the windows, lock the doors, wake up in a sweating panic of fear.

Slowly over the years I have found myself again.

Just the other day I found myself laughing out loud at an old sitcom show I used to love. Another level healed. Another part of me that was stolen: restored.

Now, dear one.

I am not talking about grief.

I am talking about trauma.

Trauma is something that happens in your life that is so utterly brutal and horrific that your mind can barely cope. It seeps into your nervous system. It steals everything from you.

And you know what you do?

You get out there and you take every bit of yourself back.

Trauma won't make you stronger.

Dear one?

Time in nature, God's love, commitment to yourself?

These will make you stronger.

And you might always be the person who jumps at loud noises but one day? You'll also be the person who laughs out loud at family sitcoms on television.

You'll get yourself back.

Do whatever you have to do to get yourself back.

Protect your peace.

Protect your healing.

Stay away from anything that puts you back into that fear.

Keep your circle small and safe.

Go. Sing in the shower.

Go. Meander down a forest trail.

Go. Laugh at a silly television show.

Go.....Live your life.

YOU ARE LOVED.

Love always, Nik