My daughter the night before her Dad took his own life. 4-years old and her first night of ballet class. Full of joy. Full of innocence. The worst thing that had ever happened to her was dropping her ice cream cone at the county fair.
The next day her Dad waved goodbye to her as we drove off to our play date and then he got in his car and went and shot himself on my Grandpa's land.
I had to sit on her little bed with her and her fuzzy stuffed animals and baby dolls and I had to tell my 4-year old that her Dad had died. She stared at me and then said, "Mama? What does die mean?" It took days, weeks for her to fully understand.......even after she seen him in his coffin.....that he was not ever coming home and that's what die means.
If you are having suicidal thoughts and you have children? Your children will not be better off without you. Your kids need you. Your death will take away some of their innocence. They will have nightmares. They will wake up sweating and screaming. Look at their photo and figure out a way to keep yourself alive on this earth. Don't drop a load of pain, guilt, abandonment, trauma, and grief on their shoulders. They are so little. They need you. Stay. If for nothing else.......if for no one else......stay for them. Find your fight and get yourself the help you deserve so that you can care for your children.
This girl knows things other kids don't know.
She knows how her Dad died. I told her the truth....not the gory and scary details.....but just the plain and simple truth that he hurt himself so that he would die. She knows what suicide is and openly says the word when most adults shy away from it.
She also knows that he was a very loving, kind, and good person who made a very wrong choice.
She knows that he was human, that he was sick, and that he was terrified and she has deep compassion for him because she too knows what it's like to be scared.
She knows that he loved her to the moon and back a billion times and he still does.
Telling her the truth opened up conversations about mental health, love, emotions, strength, grief, God, spirituality, and more. She doesn’t judge him or blame him.....only loves him.
She knows that he didn't leave because he didn't love her but because he had no fight left in him to stay.
She misses him.
It’s a soul deep missing when a child loses a parent.
She barely remembers him.
She still loves him.
I look at this photo and my heart hurts so much for this little girl.
This girl is many years older now and she is happy again. She is joyful, smart, kind-hearted, loving, adventerous, compassionate, and the bravest girl I have ever met in my entire life.
So, you. The guy who is thinking of taking his life. The guy who is sitting at the dinner table right now with his kids and wife eating tacos and you're smiling and you're laughing but in your mind you are planning your own death for the next day?
I'm asking you to stay.
I'm asking you to tell your wife your plans.
I'm asking you to close your eyes and remember being a little kid. Remember how much you loved and needed both of your parents.
Fight for your life.
You belong here on earth.
You are worthy and so, so loved.
Your family needs you.
You belong here on a Tuesday night eating tacos with your kids and your wife laughing at inside jokes only a family understands.
You deserve to watch your children grow up.
You deserve their hugs and kisses and giggles.
They need you.
Maybe pleading with you to stay on this earth won't work. Maybe it's not enough.....maybe you'll still go. I don't know if spreading this love and pleading will work. But maybe it will help you. Maybe it will help just one of you and that's why my children and I share our story.
So, you. Please stay.
Yes, they will survive and move forward in their lives if you leave but they won't be better off without you.
They will forever be missing a piece of themselves....a piece of their heart.
Love and strength, Nik Bonkoski
©Nikki Bonkoski-2023. I do not give my permission for any website to copy and publish my words or my daughter's photo onto their website. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from Nikki Bonkoski is strictly prohibited. Do not copy and paste this post (my story) and use it as your own or edit it. I do not give permission for this post or photo to be printed and sold for profit. If you would like to use this writing and photo for your mental health/suicide awareness organization, please contact me. Please do not use it without my written permission. Thank you.