Nikki Bonkoski
At first I'm shy, then I'm a podcast.
Little Ballerina Prose Poetry
by Nikki Bonkoski
My daughter the night before her Dad took his own life. 4-years old and her first night of ballet class. Full of joy. Full of innocence. The worst thing that had ever happened to her was dropping her ice cream cone at the county fair.
The next day her Dad waved goodbye to her as we drove off to our play date and then he got in his car and went and shot himself on my Grandpa's land.
I had to sit on her little bed with her and her fuzzy stuffed animals and baby dolls and I had to tell my 4-year old that her Dad had died. She stared at me and then said, "Mama? What does die mean?" It took days, weeks for her to fully understand.......even after she seen him in his coffin.....that he was not ever coming home and that's what die means.
If you are having suicidal thoughts and you have children? Your children will not be better off without you. Your kids need you. Your death will take away some of their innocence. They will have nightmares. They will wake up sweating and screaming. Look at their photo and figure out a way to keep yourself alive on this earth. Don't drop a load of pain, guilt, abandonment, trauma, and grief on their shoulders. They are so little. They need you. Stay. If for nothing else.......if for no one else......stay for them. Find your fight and get yourself the help you deserve so that you can care for your children.
This girl knows things other kids don't know.
She knows how her Dad died. I told her the truth....not the gory and scary details.....but just the plain and simple truth that he hurt himself so that he would die. She knows what suicide is and openly says the word when most adults shy away from it.
She also knows that he was a very loving, kind, and good person who made a very wrong choice.
She knows that he was human, that he was sick, and that he was terrified and she has deep compassion for him because she too knows what it's like to be scared.
She knows that he loved her to the moon and back a billion times and he still does.
Telling her the truth opened up conversations about mental health, love, emotions, strength, grief, God, spirituality, and more. She doesn’t judge him or blame him.....only loves him.
She knows that he didn't leave because he didn't love her but because he had no fight left in him to stay.
She misses him.
It’s a soul deep missing when a child loses a parent.
She barely remembers him.
She still loves him.
I look at this photo and my heart hurts so much for this little girl.
This girl is many years older now and she is happy again. She is joyful, smart, kind-hearted, loving, adventerous, compassionate, and the bravest girl I have ever met in my entire life.
So, you. The guy who is thinking of taking his life. The guy who is sitting at the dinner table right now with his kids and wife eating tacos and you're smiling and you're laughing but in your mind you are planning your own death for the next day?
I'm asking you to stay.
I'm asking you to tell your wife your plans.
I'm asking you to close your eyes and remember being a little kid. Remember how much you loved and needed both of your parents.
Fight for your life.
You belong here on earth.
You are worthy and so, so loved.
Your family needs you.
You belong here on a Tuesday night eating tacos with your kids and your wife laughing at inside jokes only a family understands.
You deserve to watch your children grow up.
You deserve their hugs and kisses and giggles.
They need you.
Maybe pleading with you to stay on this earth won't work. Maybe it's not enough.....maybe you'll still go. I don't know if spreading this love and pleading will work. But maybe it will help you. Maybe it will help just one of you and that's why my children and I share our story.
So, you. Please stay.
Yes, they will survive and move forward in their lives if you leave but they won't be better off without you.
They will forever be missing a piece of themselves....a piece of their heart.
Love and strength, Nik Bonkoski
-My husband died by suicide September 10th, 2015 on World Suicide Prevention Day and every day since I have made it my life's work to guide others through the darkness. Ryan showed me the essence of true love before he departed from this world, and he revealed the profound nature of loss to me after his passing. Both experiences shaped my heart in unique ways and contributed to the person I have become today.
©Nikki Bonkoski-2025. I do not give my permission for any website to copy and publish my words or my daughter's photo onto their website. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from Nikki Bonkoski is strictly prohibited. Do not copy and paste this post (my story) and use it as your own or edit it. I do not give permission for this post or photo to be printed and sold for profit. If you would like to use this writing and photo for your mental health/suicide awareness organization, please contact me. Please do not use it without my written permission. Thank you.
Help is available
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If you or your school, business, non-profit or other need someone to speak in person about suicide, please feel free to reach out to me.
I reside in the South Metro of MN, and I am willing to travel.
If you would like to help me in my mission to bring HOPE to suicide loss survivors and those facing difficult times, you can contribute here. Thank you! Your generous support enables me to share hope through my blog, free support groups, and more. Many have shared that my writing has played a role in saving lives, and your assistance allows me to continue this vital advocacy work.
For almost ten years, I have dedicated my life to providing light, hope, and healing moments to survivors of suicide loss. While many may shy away from the topic of suicide, I continue to engage with it because it is deeply important to me and my children. I am devoted to this cause for the long term. Your kindness reassures me that my writing makes a difference and allows me to help others, for which I am forever thankful.
https://venmo.com/nikki-bonkoski
*Donations are not tax deductible. They are a gift and a beautiful one. Thank you!!
This above writing & photo of my daughter went viral around the world on Facebook in 2018. It was shared over 500,000 times. My Facebook page with 200,000 followers was hacked in 2020 & had to be removed. I had to build from scratch once again and I will never stop rebuilding and sharing my poet's heart and my family's story in hopes it reaches those that think their family would be better off without them. Your family loves you. STAY.
"I just read your post. And then read it again. The second reading took much longer since I was struggling not to openly sob in my office. Thank you for your post, its message and light. Please keep doing what you’re doing. Your message touched a nerve with me to the extent that it made me question my very being. And I needed it. And my kids needed it. Thank you."
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose.
"Good morning, I love your page and I have great admiration for the work and the encouragement that you provide and yet I am sorry that you had to endure what you have to be where you are. I'm a disabled Marine Corps veteran and I am continually being treated by the VA for a depression disorder and even though I have my dark moments where there have been thoughts of suicide, I keep persevering. Your page appeared on my FB one day and I am very grateful that it did."
--Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose.
"Hi there. I'm sure you probably hear this a lot but I just have to thank you. The Lord used your story (the article you wrote about your daughter) to save my husband's life. Because the way you pleaded to "the man sitting and laughing with his family eating tacos on a Tuesday night" not to follow through with his plans, saved him. We have a 7 year old daughter and a 5 year old son and we can't imagine how our life would be different if I hadn't come across your article and felt the need to share it with my husband when I had no idea the burden he'd been carrying. He told me on April 20th of this year. And we're in counseling and getting help from the Dr. And he's getting better. We still have hard days but we're fighting them together. I'm so sorry that you and your babies had to go through the pain and hurt and grief. But thank you for sharing so that others won't have to. I'm forever grateful for you and I think of you and your sweet children often and I pray for you all. May the Lord bless your life! Thank you so much."
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose.
“But I also wanted to tell you how I found you. Well I was just looking around fb one night that I was having some dark thoughts and I saw a posting and it was yours. I read it and it really hit home so I went to your page. I liked your page and for several days I just read your posts and they just kept speaking to me. I’m so sorry that he is gone, I wish with all my heart that I could bring him back for you and your kids. But because of his acts and your words I have seen what this has done to you and your kids. I might always struggle but I now know I will never act out on it.“
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose.
"Hello Nik,
I know we are strangers. And I came across your post just randomly...
I just wanted to say your post....Thank you.. it is so raw, it was like a punch in the face reading your words. I am a paramedic and surrounded lately by mental health and suicide. From patients, coworkers..
but I am also a mother and a wife.. and that just got me and shaken me to the core reading your words it’s such an awakening.
I just simply wanted to thank you for your words."
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose.
"Thank you for sharing about your husband... as well as I’m sorry but I wanted to say thank you for sharing because just last week for 2weeks all I could think about was wanting to die. I have 5mnth old and a 2yr old... and your story hit so hard at home because all I wanted was to die and thought my kids would be better off. I saved your story to my phone so that the next time I have that feeling... I can read it.. again thank you for sharing and again my condolences... you have a beautiful daughter."
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose.
"I have never heard anyone who has suffered the loss from suicide tell their story so well. All the stories others have told me have all been told in the way of blaming the suicidal person."
-comment from a follower
"Nik, my name is May Bradley. I post for LOSS, we provide support groups for people bereaved by a Suicide Loss. I wanted to thank you for the beautiful messages that you share on FB. We repost them frequently on our FB Page and they help so many people! Bless you for writing, pouring your heart out and making a difference in the lives of others! Tender Mercies! PS I lost my daughter to Suicide."
-Comment on my social media posts.
"Hello, Nik I will keep this quick as I'm sure you have been flooded by comments. I'm an Army veteran that has ptsd. Your post had been shared in my veterans group on Facebook, where we constantly are trying to help our brothers and sisters that are considering suicide. I won't lie to you...I have been quietly struggling myself here lately with depression. Your post however, really spoke alot to me. I look at your daughters smile in the photo and see my own son. I imagine how he would feel if I wasn't here for him anymore and it gives me an extra push to better myself. So thank you for your openness. Your post is being passed around the veteran community, and for that I thank you. You and your daughter have saved lives. Thank you."
-Comment on this little ballerina prose
"Hi Nik. I just saw your most recent post with the photo of your daughter and the letter to fathers who are hurting. I have to be honest, five years ago, that person you wrote to, was me! Somehow I came up out of my darkness and now sit on the couch with my two children and wife. I do not tell you this for any other reason, but to encourage you to keep doing what you are doing. Men need your blunt portrayal of the family left behind. In November, I am putting together a “men’s forum” tackling the subject of suicide, but providing hope and “meeting the men where they are at”. I would love to discuss our event with you and see if you have any interest in speaking. Please keep doing what you are doing. Your story is powerful and can effect change!!"
-Comment on this little ballerina prose
"Hi. I just wanted to say thank you. Last week my wife went away for 5 days and I was in a very dark place and have been for months. After reading your post about your daughter and how she lost her biological father and how important it is for any parent to choose their child over suicide....I called my wife and told her how I felt and I went to get help. I took myself to hospital just so I wasn't alone. Needless to say I have been given a lot of support and my wife flew home early.
Thank you so much. If I hadn't of seen it I most likely wouldn't be here.
I am not fine now but I am able to see suicide isn't the answer.
Please don't ever give up spreading your wisdom.
Thank you again so so much."
-Comment on this little ballerina prose
"Hi Nik, your post a week or so ago connected with me deeply. Thank you so much for shining a light on what clearly needs to be said being male suicide, especially those aged 18-45.
Being a father it was hard to read, I guess sometimes a man retreats to himself but it is refreshing to see you putting it out there.
A while ago my Uncle, and in 2017 my brother both went down the same road. I guess we’re lucky that neither had children because you’re spot on when you say they suffer the most.
I feel for you and sincerely hope you’re doing ok. Thank you for being a voice in the darkness, there isn’t many and we need you Xx"
-Comment on this little ballerina prose
Dearest daughter, Life is not about external beauty. What truly matters is our grit, our confidence.....our courage, our ability to reach our hand out to another. Life is about our grace. It's not about being nice. Being nice can get you walked all over. Being nice isn't the same as being kind. Life is about kindness and knowing when you need to draw a chalk circle around yourself to build a boundary that says, "I have given enough." so that you can protect your emotional well being and mental health. Life is about embracing our flaws and spending less time standing in front of the mirror. Dearest daughter, Don't play the victim. Be the warrior God created you to be. Heal your wounds so that you never hurt others with what life has put you through. Life isn't about being constantly busy. If you can sit outside on a beautiful afternoon and simply look at the sky and feel content? You have found one of the greatest secrets to a life well-lived. You don't need to hustle for your purpose on this earth. Your purpose? It's simply to be alive. To run and jump and laugh and play. To experience butterflies and scratch dogs on their bellies and feel the sunshine on your face. Your worthiness isn't up for discussion. Walk away from anyone who tries to make you hustle for love. Dearest daughter, You won't always get closure. You won't always get an apology. Please know....that you don't need either to heal and move on with your life. Girls can get dirty and they can dress up in fancy dresses. You can love frills and ruffles and you can crave sitting way out in the woods in your old worn out jeans around a campfire. Your personality has many layers....and it's what makes you wonderfully unique. Dearest daughter, Slay your own dragons. Breathe fire only for goodness and to protect those you fiercely love. You are here for a reason so stretch your wings and fly wherever the wind takes you. Life is tough, darling girl. But so are you. You can overcome anything. Walk away from any rubble and build yourself a beautiful new castle. Dearest girl, Not everyone will like you. That's ok. Learn to be ok with that. Love everybody.......always...but understand that love isn't always returned in the same way that you put it out into your world. Always protect your heart. Be radically authentic....blow their hair back with your boundless grace. Dearest daughter, Don't strive to be outwardly beautiful. Strive to make a mark on this world. Hope to leave a legacy behind that is remembered in words and stories for hundreds of years. Your life is yours, dearest girl. Don't let anyone water it down. Don't let the darkness ever put out your light. If you ever make a mistake? Come home. If you're ever in trouble? Call me. If you think you've messed everything up? You haven't. I love you. Unconditionally and no matter what. Nothing could make me abandon you. Nothing could take away the love I have for you. If you are ever drowning in sadness or anger or anything..... Come home. Your beauty is about what you feel about yourself and not what you see when you look in the mirror. You are God's girl and you have angels protecting you. Growing up is a wonderful adventure. Every year a blessing. You come from a long line of strong women. When life threw curve balls at me? My Mom? My Grandma? We stand....and we deal. We rebuild. We power through. We do what needs to be done for our children. I am my Mothers's daughter.....she is hers....and you are yours. And all of our prayers are protecting you. Dearest daughter, Hold yourself to a standard of grace.....not perfection. I love you. Love, Mom Written by me for my beautiful ballerina daughter who turns 14 next month. COPYRIGHT: Nikki Bonkoski 2025 #SurvivorStory
"Just saw one of your amazing posts on FB. I live in Australia and work in a mining community. We've had a handful of young men take their own lives in the last 12 months, each leaving behind a shattered family. Life can be hard but with great people like yourself spreading awareness, hopefully this generation of men can start seeing other options. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!"
-comment from a follower
“I just want to thank you for your raw honesty. My dad died by suicide when I was 16 years old (I am 51 years old now) and I so wish I had had someone like you to reference during that time. I was embarrassed, confused, ashamed and mad when it happened. When I went to college I found myself telling new friends that my dad died in a car wreck rather than how he really died. I was afraid of the stigma that suicide sometimes carries. Thankfully there was no internet back then so my lie was easy to maintain. When I started having kids then I was forced to face my reality. Although I have never been depressed or had suicidal thoughts I also know I would never purposely put my kids through what I went through. You are a blessing to so many but especially to your kids. God bless you and your strength as I know it isn't always easy.”
-Comment on one of my Facebook posts/writing about my family's story.
"Thank you for sharing your grief and your story...the tragedy, the struggle, the survival and now the revival."
-comment from a follower
”Hey Nik,
I just wanted to tell you thank you for sharing your story about your husband. I was severely injured at work, traumatic brain injury. It happened about a month before my 4th son was a month away from being born, which I think gave me the strength the survive something I shouldn’t have.
But then as time went on I started feeling guilty about surviving and focusing on the things I could no longer do any longer and fell into a deep depression, the kind where you put on a fake smile to get through the day and no one notices, but then when the world stops and you’re left to your own devices ... you spend yours wrestling demons ... nights turned into months. Then I come across this little girls face with this amazing story written by her mother, which I saved by the way - for those nights when those demons return - she has become my silent guardian angel. That little smile keeps them at bay!
I can’t thank you enough for the brutal honesty of that post! I truly believe you saved my life the day I read that!
Hugs to you and your kids from me and my boys!”
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose
"Well after reading your post and the comments.... I cried through them all. Well I'm rambling on. But thank you for telling your story. I know I have to stay. And I hate it that I'm being forced to endure what is not endurable. However I've again reached the conclusion that I can't just leave without hurting my kids, no matter their age. Thank you for sharing your daughters story.
Sorry for rambling on and on.
Have a blessed day. And keep up the good work."
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose
"Hi Nik, wow!!
I read your post about the impact your husbands suicide had on your Daughter. Very powerful and honest. I have been depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts, quite often. If I have the strength to do it is something I’m not sure of still, but after reading your words about the consequences it will have I now look at it differently. Thank you.You and your Daughter are both beautiful people and I hope you have a lovely life. Thanks Nik, just so you're aware I live in Cardiff, Wales in the UK and your story is touching my friends so be assured what you're doing is an amazing act. Don’t ever consider stopping it. People like me need people like you."
-Comment I received regarding this little ballerina prose
"What I'm trying to cultivate isn't blind optimism but radical hope."
"Nik, I saw your post on Facebook today about how your husband passing affected your daughter and it saved me. Last night I planned to leave this earth tonight now I don’t have children of my own but I do have a sister that is ten who already lost her father and I have helped to raise her ever since. I sat last night and I wrote letters and this morning I planned out my day because I’m going to see a concert with my friend and I didn’t want to let her down so I planned to go and do it after that so she could still go. I’ve got a lot of hurt and I’m not good at dealing with it but scrolling Facebook today I came across your post having been shared onto my timeline and as I read it it made me think could I put her through that again after knowing and supporting her through what she went through when she lost her dad aged two. It made me think and it changed my mind your words reminded me why there’s always another way so thank you I don’t mean for this to upset you but I just needed to say thank you on behalf of me and my family."
Comments I received on Facebook from this little ballerina post:
"When I was 4 my father died by suicide the same way, it wasn’t until I was 16 I found out it was suicide from his death certificate when going to obtain my learners. As someone who lost their dad so young and only has faint memories, lots of love and images to remember him. I wish I had known the truth earlier. It would have helped me see worth in my life, I may not have attempted it myself a number of times. When I found out I was filled with guilt for how I had been thinking and treating my life. I am so proud to hear you sharing your story in hopes to show someone their life’s worth. Because life is precious and everyone deserves their chance at happiness. I send all the best to you and your precious daughter. May she grow up gracefully and with a power of love and compassion for others. Xx this post brought on an immense feeling.. of love and missing. But it also reminded me why I am still here today."
"I'm glad I came across this story. I have 4 young children and just a few days ago, I wanted to take my own life so bad, but all I thought about was my kids. I've lived with severe depression, PTSD, anxiety and bipolar disorder my whole life and sometimes I'm afraid I won't be able to control my actions, but so far I have because I can't bring myself to cause my children that kind of pain for the rest of their lives even if I have to live in pain for the rest of mine. I will always read this story when I feel suicidal. Thank you and I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother almost 2 years ago to suicide. He left two daughters behind. I hope and pray that I will get better and that I never leave my children that way."
"Damn this hit close to home and made me extremely emotional, I myself found out my dad committed suicide just before I was born at the age of 3, I have definitely spent a long time being angry and disappointed that the thought of me coming into the world wasnt enough to keep him here at least long enough for me to of known him. I send all my love to you and your daughter, she will surely face struggles but I know like me she will come out the other side strong and compassionate."
"I just wanted to say, Thank you. I have a daughter and your advice helped me. It’s gotten me through some depression in my life. And everytime I feel alone. Or I feel like I can’t keep going anymore. I re-read that little story you shared. And I think of my daughter, and I stay. So for this. Thank you so much."
"Thank you. I lost my father to suicide when I was seven years old. It is a grief I have carried inside my entire life. He’s been gone 43 years and I still miss him. I missed him at every one of my major life events and always wish he could have met my children. This loss has affected many aspects of my life including my marriage."
"Hi Nik. You don't know me. I'm just some random Paramedic up in Canada. Your posts hit deep to the soul. So many of our colleagues in this job have felt no other option than to take their lives over the past few years. Know that your words are being shared and are touching countless first responders around Canada in our circles. It's painful to read. It's touching. It's uplifting. Thanks for sharing your story and while we can't ever measure its positive power or use that to take away any of your pain, know it's resonated and done some good for good people. All the best."