Nikki Bonkoski
At first I'm shy, then I'm a podcast.
At 35, I never expected to find myself a widow
after nine years of marriage.
Suddenly faced with this new reality, I felt lost on how to navigate life in this role. The day I learned about my husband's passing, I became responsible for a multitude of tasks: making funeral arrangements, organizing the burial, ordering the headstone, and continuously greeting visitors who brought funeral casseroles—food I never actually consumed but warmed for my family and guests.
It still brings me sorrow that we never achieved that ten-year milestone together. Life can be unforgiving, suddenly stripping away so much. When I became a widow, I genuinely thought I would never summon the desire or courage to love and marry again.
In 2019, I happily surprised myself by remarrying, nearly four years after the passing of my first husband. Now, I am living my second happily ever after, for which I am incredibly grateful.
If you are a young widow contemplating what the future may hold, seek advice from women who have remarried after losing their spouses. Remarried widows are those who have loved deeply, experienced loss, and chosen to embrace love again, fully aware of the realities of grief, funeral casseroles, and headstones. They’ve entered a new phase of healing, as remarrying can often bring past wounds back to the surface, requiring a fresh journey of healing in different and more profound ways. The challenges you thought you had overcome may resurface.
I am one of these women.
I am a remarried widow.
I have earned the title of a leader within the widow community due to my efforts in supporting other widows. This is a community I have been a part of for nearly ten years.
My heart carries the love of two husbands.
I thought I was almost fully healed when I remarried, believing that my grief—especially the trauma from losing someone to suicide—was mostly resolved and would no longer trouble me.
How wrong I was.
True healing is elusive, and as I embarked on this new marriage, the resilient widow I had become needed to rediscover what it meant to be a wife.
This journey required an entirely new level of courage. I had to come to terms with the reality that “I buried a husband. It shattered me and broke everything within, making me question my ability to survive. Yet, I emerged as the strongest version of myself I had ever known. Then, I remarried, and old fears resurfaced, making me anxious about losing this husband to one of life's many tragedies—whether it be a car accident, cancer, or something else.
After nearly six years of marriage, I can now confidently say that I have the experience to genuinely assist other young widows. I’ve navigated through the funeral, comforted crying children, and helped them heal and find happiness. I've shed tears at a headstone and bravely re-entered the dating scene with my wounded heart. I’ve donned a white dress and proclaimed, “I do.” I possess a wealth of experience and knowledge that I wish I had received when I first became a widow, feeling isolated while my friends were either happily married, single, or divorced. There was no one in my age group to guide me through that challenging time. If you're a young widow, I am here to support you on your journey.
If you are a young widow in need of support, please feel free to reach out to me; I would be honored to act as your mentor. As a fellow widow and a Grief Support Specialist, I understand when to reassure you that everything will be alright and when to simply hold your hand and listen.
If you are affiliated with a non-profit or organization that supports young widows, I would be enthusiastic about contributing in any way I can. This could involve sharing my story as a speaker, writing blog posts, participating in your podcast, being on your leadership team, or exploring other opportunities.
