"Nik, In awe of your calming composure and thorough grasp of the
dynamics of these emotions, thank you"
I want to thank you, thank you, thank you for putting yourself out there, for writing so eloquently about your (this/our) deal, for diving in deep and sharing your learnings, for welcoming us broken people into a community we can be proud of. All the very best to you Nik, you are a legend beyond your lifetime already.
My name is Juliette and I was the editor who worked with your piece, "What Suicide Loss 'Looks' Like." This was one of the most impactful pieces I've edited during my time at The Mighty, and I just wanted to reach out and thank you for your vulnerability and beautiful words.
I'm also reaching out because I wanted you to know Talinda Bennington, widow of the late Chester Bennington, frontman of Linkin Park, shared your story and wrote, "What a great article. I feel like she wrote exactly how I feel. Thank you."
Cannot thank you enough, you are my new lifeline in a time when I find myself doubting my strength to carry the load.... it just becomes so exhausting, in a way I never knew existed.
I was on Facebook and caught a glimpse of your comment on our friend post about her daughter's tough lunch hour. You posted that you often ate lunch in the bathroom in junior high.. which resonated with me. It was one of those wonderful 'I thought I was the only one' moments. :)I don't know why, but I was prompted to click on your FB page. Two hours later I'm still reading your blogs and my head and my heart are pounding. It's so strange. I can't relate directly to your journey, but I find myself drowning in empathy for you. Your feelings and words are so powerful, that you are able to make me see (and to some extent feel) a parallel universe where this has happened to me. It's not somewhere I planned on traveling to today (didn't pack my waterproof mascara) but somewhere in the sheer terror of it all is a feeling of enlightenment and empowerment. So.. I wanted to just send you a little note to say thank you. Thank you for reminding me that feeling blessed is different than being grateful. Thank you for reminding me to slow down with my husband - and especially my kids. I have a voice in my head that tells me this once in a while but I tend to swat it away. Next time I hear it I will listen and I will slow down. So thank you.No need to respond.. I'm sure people email you often about your writing. I just couldn't take in what I read today and then just pivot and move on with my day without letting you know what a gift of expression you have. The weights you're carrying would sink many people, but you are not only staying afloat.. you're lifting others up. Thank you.
Good morning Nik....reaching out to you hoping to find you and your family in good spirits. As always thank you for being such an amazing person...truly beautiful inside and out...I came across a story the other day that really touched me...this young lady struggles daily with a skin disorder that she has to find a way to cover up given she holds a highly exposed job where her face is her livelihood...a news anchor...watching her tears streaming down her face while she told her story was heartbreaking...it was so moving in felt compelled to reach out to her and let her know how absolutely amazing she is...Nik we all have our daily battles we face...we tend to hide them in our own way out of fear of embarrassment....you have offered so much of yourself to helping so many that it inspires me to offer the same to those who feel isolated...embarrassed. I know I am not you and could never begin to measure up to how much you help everyone who comes in contact with you including myself but I wanted you too know you have helped change me to understand who I am...not the image everyone wants me to be...thank you so much for being a vital part of that... I read your stories and they give me some clarity in my daily life...knowing someone such as yourself is out there should I ever need to vent about our similar life experience is comforting... Thank you Nik you are a true blessing to so many of us out here.... Have a blessed day
Hi Nik, you may never read this but I have just read your post about your husband. It broke my heart and left me in tears. I am so sorry for your loss. Your plea to think about the children and what you leave behind could not be more timely for me. I have five beautiful children and I am fighting a silent battle in my mind every single day. I'm fighting to find value in my existence. I'm fighting to stay alive. I love my babies more than anything in this world but I often question my value. Please never forget that your husband loves you and your babies. im sorry for your loss but in honour of your husband and your bravery I will seek the help I need to believe in myself again. Not a person on the planet would know of my daily struggle to stay alive but I will seek help and I will fight for my babies. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you
Hey Nikki, I live in regional Queensland, Australia. I just read your post. I found myself crying as I read your words. I felt them so deeply. They stuck a chord within me. I just wanted you to know that you made a difference to someone today. A profound difference. I won't bore you with my story suffice to say you have helped a father of 6 wonderful children make it through another day. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I love you for the hope you have given me. I am so grateful that I found your page through a random post. Bless you Nikki
You are gorgeous and amazing, Nik. You have the heart and soul of an angel..the reserve and persistence to follow thru on anything u do. Whether it be your blog or something with your children or...self love. You know how to and recognise how u feel and in turn you can translate feelings to words like a words smith. You will get so much love and be loved and spoiled because you deserve it. Thank you for being you....gorgeous, amazing talented, and empathetic.
Loved the video upload, literally you are the only one who can smash down the walls around my heart. As I sit here crying on the other end of this thread I don't feel alone anymore. Thank you for that.
Nik, my name is May Bradley. I post for LOSS, we provide support groups for people bereaved by a Suicide Loss. I wanted to thank you for the beautiful messages that you share on FB. We repost them frequently on our FB Page and they help so many people! Bless you for writing, pouring your heart out and making a difference in the lives of others! Tender Mercies!
PS I lost my daughter to Suicide.
I cannot thank you enough for your post. I have been battling depression and suicidal tendencies since my son was born. It’s been extremely tough lately and your post about your daughter touched me on a level I cannot even begin to describe. You may have saved my life by opening my eyes. I cannot thank you enough because you also have changed my son’s life for the better.
I lost it, I had a river of tears come down my face I am holding my 2 year old at that moment (who is with my now fiancé) but that right there makes me realize I can’t leave my kids to this nasty disease. I am not the person to discuss my thoughts with. But right now I’m crying like an ugly person because I am so glad I haven’t left my kids. They need me, and I need them. Thank you so so much. I can’t even explain how that paragraph has saved my life right now and I’m sure has saved others. I’ve got a lot going on in my life, but that saved me.
Hi Nik. Your words mean everything to me! For too long, I haven't felt qualified to write to you, as I have not experienced anything similar. I have my own story, my own struggles and reading your posts have been some of the most meaningful words of encouragement that I've come across. I feel love and admiration for you, for sharing, for reaching out. I too feel a purpose in my life to encourage others, to make a difference one person at a time. So, here I am, writing to thank you. Thank you for encouraging me and others to find and live out our purpose. To look beyond our personal struggles and see life out there. To experience the joy and beauty in our surrounding natural environment. Thank you!
Hi Nik, how are you? Grief seems to be swallowing me whole here on today, even with the sunshine and ocean views. Your Facebook page keeps me going. Your authentic articulation on grief speaks to me and you are so appreciated.
I am a 17 year old senior who was very moved by the story you posted on your page. I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how much I enjoy your posts and that your work truly is helping others
I just wanted to say Thank you. Thank you for sharing that post. You saved my life. I swear you saved my life. I'm at the end and I can't fight anymore. Thank you for your very timley post.
You are a voice in the dark. Thank you. A light
I came across your post by accident I live in Ireland and am widowed 21 months. Reading your posts it’s reading my existence. Kind regards.
Dear Nikki... I'm not sure why I felt drawn to friend you or even read your blog. I guess reading about how the "woods" can do SO much for the soul I was not only searching for guidance but looking for direction. Unlike you my story is different but yours was so truthful and raw, that, I sat there after reading it telling myself that I can make it! Your words have touched me and I hope one day I can help someone as your words have started to guide me. I want to thank you for friending me back and sharing your story! Hugs to You!
In the past, I have thought about committing suicide. I even tried it a couple times. After reading your post, and thinking about my husband; I'm quite sure that I could not do that to him. How you felt upon your husband committing suicide came through so strong, that I would most certainly seek help before I starting thinking about suicide. Just because it hurt so badly for you; I couldn't and wouldn't want my husband to hurt that badly. So if I started feeling deeply depressed, I would stop thinking about suicide and pick up a phone. I would call for help because I couldn't bear for him to suffer like you did! You expressed your emotions in writing very well! If I ever start feeling that badly again, I will think about your post.
Yesterday was 3 years since mine passed (12 days after our youngest was born) and I've been struggling with the negative thoughts of who would want me and my "baggage" especially since my oldest has health issues. I really needed to read your post today, so thank you for sharing your thoughts and words of encouragement. And for being real and relatable, its a relief to be able to connect with someone who (unfortunately) get it. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
Hi Nik, I live in England and have just found your Facebook page ..and read your posts..and have been crying for last half hour like a dam has been released..I lost my husband almost 3 years ago to suicide and miss him so much, my best friend and soul mate and recognised so much that you say..will be following you slavishly from now on..loads of love from England
Thank you so much for writing this!! It is exactly how it is and so hard to explain to others. I always wanted everyone to think I was ok. I could never explain my time alone. I lost my brother but it was the same. It’s been 2 1/2 years and I have worked through those days. You give others hope with these words. God bless you. I remember thinking I wouldn’t make it through.
Nik! I must meet you someday. Your words are my soul. Thank you, Nik. Thank you for being here with me.
Nik, I just wanted to reach out and say thank you for sharing your story. I can't tell you how moved I am right now. I understand the heartache you felt. I am a survivor of my own suicide attempt, and struggle daily with major depressive disorder and suicidal thoughts. My wife and I often have conversations about what her life would be like if I ever chose to end my story.Thank you for doing what you do, for surviving and fighting and finding hope.
Just wanted to say THANK YOU for your lastest blog post....as someone who was rejected time and time again in a loveless marriage, your words are comforting as they reiterate what I already know deep down. That I am worthy of love just the way I am. As much as I would love to be perfect (actually i don't want to be perfect - that would be just too damn hard!)...I am not perfect and there is no need to be perfect. Just be me and love me and someday, someone will love me for who I am. Not for what I might be or could possibly one day be. I am intelligent and kind and decent and funny and loads of other great things...now I just need to find that other half! THANK YOU as always, Nik!
The article you posted said everything I've been trying to verbalized but haven't been able to. Sometimes it feels like there is no one that understands how you feel, then I come across something you have written or posted. Thanks for being there for all of us that didn't know we needed you until we found you.
I just wanted to thank you for all the thoughts you share. You help more people understand that what they're going through is ok...probably than you may even realize. So...thank you! I stumbled across your blog around week 2, when I was desperately trying to read anything and everything online. I read all of your posts, as much as I could take in, through the next couple of weeks. Your writing helped me so much, especially during the first months
Thank You again for your blog it's helping me navigate this horrible road I'm on right now and making me feel not so alone.
Nik, I feel like I know you through your words and posts about your loss. I “like” and “” them but you don’t know my story and that doesn’t really seem fair. With all that said, thank you. Thank you for your words and thoughts. I am remarried now but I still have days, many of them, that hearing I need to be my own prince speaks so loudly to me. I have a daughter I want to know that feeling too. You are strong and you are enough. You are perfect. I’m rambling because I have never spoken these words to anyone much less someone that has never met me.
Again, thank you for you. You are wonderful and are helping more people than you could ever begin to imagine.
Thank you for being so real. I have struggled with suicide for a very long time. I still do. Sometimes when I am feeling my worst I will read things you post and it makes me realize what I would be leaving behind. I have two amazing kids and a husband.I'm not one to comment on things, so just another face in the crowd, but you have helped me and so many others you probably don't even know about.
I just want you to know that reading about your journey has really helped me. I tried grief counseling and seeing a psychologist and other doctors, that didn't really help. I can really identify with you and you have helped me more than anyone else. I don't feel so alone and I know what I'm feeling is ok whatever it is. Everyone has their own way to deal with loss and grief. I just want to say thank you and let you know that you have made a difference in my life.
Just please take from this, you are strong as shit and you somehow have the capacity to make others feel that too. Pure, true and an absolute gift.
I read a lot of blogs and things on Facebook but felt compelled to send you a quick note to say thank you for sharing your raw stories with the rest of us who have no idea. I just read your blog about "Shock". So personal, so raw..I was so humbled, as a stranger to read it. I work for Queensland Ambulance and take a lot of heartbreaking suicide calls, it is never ever lost on me..the thoughts of those left behind. I am also studying my masters of counselling..and find these kinds of first hand experience like yours invaluable insight into supporting people. So thank you for sharing your most painful, soul destroying event with me. Your ripple effect is immeasurable. I truly hope it helps your healing and that life is being kind to you & your family once again after being to hell & back. Big Love to you from Australia.
Hi. I've been following you for a while now. I find comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I just hope that I'm strong enough to kick it's ass back someday soon. Much love to you and yours.
I just want to tell you how inspiring you are and I look forward to your posts.
Thank you for this, Nik (Brave Ladies Club) I adore your blog and you. Thank you for opening up your life to others so we can feel a sense of normalcy ourselves. I can’t thank you enough for “being there” for me (I hope that makes sense.) Love and hugs.
Nik--What an inspiring post! You do not offer a "quick fix" or "rosey colored glasses" platitudes. You offer the gentle, compassionate truth. Grief will have it's way with us. And if we yield and go with it, we are led to a peace and clarity that is a gift to ourselves. It is a gift that informs our lives and relationships which can reap benefits in ways we could never have imagined.
I appreciate your bravery, quivering heart. The courage you have to share your personal/universal story is a warrior's path.
I had to reach out and thank you for all of your writings and for baring your heart and soul. Your words have touched me and made me feel not so alone. Although my story is not exactly the same as yours, there are many parallels and your writings have given me hope that I wasn't sure I would find.My emotions go from profound sadness to shock to anger and many others. But I found your blog and it's been so comforting. Your words have inspired me that there will be light at the end of the tunnel so for that, I am beyond grateful. Keep doing what you're doing. You have no idea the impact that your writings have had on me.
Thank you for sharing your grief and your story...the tragedy, the struggle, the survival and now the revival.
Thank you for sharing your story...it brings hope to many I am sure. Good luck and keep LIVING each and everyday to the fullest!
As I researched grief blogs (because I was thinking of starting one and oh, who knew, it's not an original idea! LOL), my friend messaged me and told me I should check you out.
I Googled you. I saw why she suggested you. First, you really are doing some impressive work. And secondly, you suffered a loss by suicide.
My beautiful amazing (his own self-reference, with which I agree) son took his own life April 4, 2017. As my mother just said today, she still hopes it's a bad dream. He was truly an awesome man. He was in military training and fell for a girl who rejected him. I don't think it was just love. I think the training and being away from his friends took a toll. All I know is in hindsight I wish...
But anyway. Because I saw your work and your hike is admirable. I'm just sharing that praise
I'll endeavour to read more of your posts & I'm following your journey on FB...you are doing some seriously amazing stuff. What a phenomenal way to channel your grief..soothing and educating others. Suicide is a life sentence for the loved ones left behind. So your ability to write about it is honestly inspirational. I sincerely hope you're enjoying more hopeful, brighter moments than crippling moments.
Nik, Being open about grief and raw emotion is critical for survivors. I lost my brother in a crash a little over 7 years ago. Yes, you learn to deal with the emotions associated to grief by learning your triggers and developing ways to cope in order to make it through the dark and the light. Having an open environment to connect with others who have experienced loss helps the healing process, a process that never ends. I offer you the same to reach out anytime.
I thank you so very much for this post. It validated every feeling I have had regarding my father's death. Thank you so very much for articulating what I could not for so many years. I was a child denied the grieving process. So harmful. You are the only one that has helped me heal. Thank you. Thank you.
You truly are so awesome. I'm so glad I stumble upon your profile. You have helped me so much in these past few months of grieving.
Hi Nik! I want to congratulate you on your certification. Everything you have said gives me hope that maybe one day I can get out of this rut I'm in and get back on my feet again. I'm having some trouble moving on. I know I have to do it for myself and my son. I feel depressed and lonely. You inspire me to move forward. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to help others like myself.
The words you put out there on fb are just so encouraging and they help when people struggle. I know I seem to see one of my fb friends like your posts right when I am struggling the most. Your posts bring such hope and positive vibes. Thank you for posting and sharing what you do. It helps those that you don't even know are there!!!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts & feelings. It's been eight months since I lost the love of my life. And yes sometimes it feels like yesterday & sometimes years! I really thought I'd be over all the crying & heartache by now! When I say heartache I mean my heart actually hurts!
Reading your post some how made me feel better. I'm not sure if it's a matter of misery liking company or just knowing I'm not strange to have these feelings. Either way I thank you.
Hugs Nik, your heart & post is leading the path for us... showing us the steep road, and the little light that sometimes shines...still.
You write so honestly from the heart .. I have the utmost respect for you ...each word .. sentence describes perfectly how I feel ... what I have learnt about life and people after losing my courageous daughter. I choose my solace .. I choose my way of living with my loss than rather be "out there" .. it's me whose lost her precious child not those people ...I am lucky to have just over a handful of "safe people" .. an amazing mother and sister .... the rest of the world I choose to lock out ...
Thankyou for being YOU .. a truly remarkable .. brave .. honest .. caring mum and lady xx
Hi. I opened Facebook in the first few months just now and your post popped up. I just wanted to say that it was so touching. I lost my father 10 years ago and you said it all. Your words in your video will help so many people. You really profoundly captured grief. I just wanted to let you know it was a beautiful video and that you are such a strong mama.
Thank you for all that you do, for not sugar coating things, and showing others that it is ok to grieve.
The very first post I read of yours was about never envisioning being a single parent but suicide left me no choice. A coworker had forwarded it to me and I am so glad they did as that post, along with many others, spelled out exactly how I feel.
Nikki, your words are a blessing to so many now and to those who will find your blog in the years to come. Thank you for sharing yourself, your immense heartache, your growth and your heart.
You are doing a great job and you are helping so many people. Thank you! Lots of love to you!
Your writings come up on FB occassionally, and they are very clear, well-done and even jarring. We've had episodes of depression in my family, and everything you say is so accurate and insightful, it just seems you're speaking from our experiences, too.
I don't often meet people who speak as real and raw as you do. I appreciate your light.
You are an absolutely beautiful human being!!! You always seem to stay such a "real" person and talk about what others may try to avoid!!! Your truly an inspiration to a lot of people who try to just get by Day to day❤ sending love and hugs from my family to yours
Thank you so much for this message. I stumbled across your blog by God's will tonight. On a night that my heart hurts so bad remembering my best friend and celebrating his birthday today. As the tears roll down my face, your words remind me that it's okay to be sad but it's also okay to move forward. His death affected me in ways that I still don't understand, but I have faith I can & will move forward...thank you for touching my soul and allowing me to feel like it will be ok.
You are my inspiration. If I could have half the strength you do, I would be ok.
You are gifted beyond measure and sent to us for a specific reason. Our God is not the God of circumstance. Everything. Is. For. A. Reason. You, my dear one, are a blessing. (I'll add "from God" because that is what I believe)
Be well. Enjoy your day.
Hey. Your posts this past week have really helped me. I think of them throughout the day to get me through. I had to leave work early yesterday because it gave me severe anxiety. It's been a little tough but I have so much support around me.I just wanted to let you know you've been helping me through it even though you don't realize it.
I wanted to reach out to you as I was also widowed at the age of 33 with 3 little ones (ages 6, 5, and 3 at the time). My husband also completed suicide and it was terribly unexpected. Your post touched my heart and I am so proud to be on this journey with such a strong young woman. Your website is beautiful
I cant say enough thanks on how your articles have helped me. Im so sorry that these events happened to us and our children, tbe heartache is so real. However, thankful to the moon and back for your articles and posts. I have had such a hard time putting it into words or even recognizing what I'm actually feeling. So thankful to have stumbled upon your work! Truly a blessing.
Perfectly written. Captures the essence of what it is to grieve and live - love this article (The space in-between grief and renewed life)
Not only is this piece heartbreakingly accurate it is perfectly stated. Also, the clock graphic is very relevant given the spiritual significance of 1's and 0's as in 10:10 (The space in-between grief and renewed life)
Dear Nikki, Your determination and courage are incredible. And you express your hope so articulately in your writing when you speak of the joy of a sunrise or your children's giggles. Sending you love, hugs and prayers.
Thank you as always for sharing so openly and honestly, your strength and courage and endurance is so powerful. As always, I continue to think you are amazing.
You hit my heart with the things you say. Please keep writing. It is such a dark lonely place and and we all need inspiration.
I'm really glad for your honesty and bravery. There are many times reading your words has helped me snap back to reality during a suicidal crisis. During those times when I'm sure my husband and children would be better off without me, the words you have so honestly written about your own grief and loneliness and pain have helped me to realise the lies my depressed brain is telling me.
Oh my gosh ... hi Nik....I can hardly see to type as I'm crying so .... it's been 15 years since I lost my husband... July 22 was the day ... he had brain cancer , diagnosed, surgery, etc ...only survived 3 months to the day of diagnosis. But your words, your story ... have touched me so... I'm so sorry for your loss..... im so happy I somehow found you tho ... I've been reading and looking at your posts for the past hour ... I have to say I have been to the depths of hell and back ... but you , your words today have touched me and inspired me again that I can do this. I can survive.
Thank you so much for sharing your journey. I read your article (Scary Mommy.com)this morning and it brought me new hope! I am a single mommy now of 5. My husband made his choice on April 3, 2015. We have 3 children and I was pregnant with identical twin boys at the time. I still question why he chose that path. I've been struggling so much the past few days with the why's and the what ifs. I forget to look at the joy and the fact that I do get all the hugs and kisses and love from those 5 beautiful souls. Thank you for reminding me! God bless you and your babies!!
I just visited this woman's blog/facebook page. WOW what a warrior and an inspiration she is!! The amount of strength to not only pick yourself and your family up...but also BETTER yourself in the process. So much love for this mamma.
From another single mama due to suicide, thank you, for speaking for us all...we're a unique group, with not too many in our boat. Please know, you're not alone, and whenever you need to vent or talk, you can always reach out to me! God bless your littles and you-with peace and God's grace.
This article is wonderful because it is her raw true feelings not the glossy version handed down by the mental health field. Yeah it is a sickness and not selfish and blah blah blah but in your heart I think most people who lost someone due to suicide feel the same way. I lost my day 13 yrs ago and this is article was many of the things I think and feel looking at my own children. Thank you for writing this.
Hi, I wanted to let you know how much I liked your blog on suicide and being a single parent. I am sorry that you have to go through this but your writing really resonated with me. I have a friend whose husband committed suicide but more importantly, I know many people through my work. I work for a non-profit that works with children who have lost a parent. We uphold a tradition that the child did with that parent every year until they turn 18. We have many families in our program where the parent died from suicide so thank you for being so raw with your emotions and letting people know that they are not alone.
"Teach your children about mental health" what a powerful and important message to take away from your heart breaking story. Thank you so much for sharing. You will change people's lives with this
I follow you on Facebook. Not because I've lost someone. But because you help me. Help me to love more deep. Not take advantage of what I have. And realize that tomorrow could be different.
I've given your name to a number of grieving friends because you have such an awesome ability to share your grief journey in writing. Blessings to you as you heal and help so many others along the way.
I'm not even sure how to begin. Over the last year I have followed every post on Facebook or on your blog. I've cried, I've laughed, I've loved, I've been inspired, I've reevaluated things both personally and professionally, and most of all I've admired you. You for all you share and your willingness to continue on even in the darkest days. I don't know you that well but I feel like I do. I thank you for all that you share. I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I'm sorry that you and your family went through this. No I don't know what you have been through and are going through or will go through but know that people like me care and we read every word you write. We are supporting you in positive thoughts. We follow you because you know how to connect and you say things very openly and there's not many people that can do that. You have a very special gift.
I have never heard anyone who has suffered the loss from suicide tell thier story so well. All the stories others have told me have all been told in the way of blaming the suicidal person.
Your words have moved me to tears....I can see you pain in your eyes. I too have mental illness and things got too much recently that I had suicidal thoughts. Like you a single mum, with 3 beautiful children, I don't want to die, I just don't want to live with this torment in my mind. I will fight these thoughts all my life, I won't leave my children. You are an utter inspiration and you have made me talk to my children
I'm so sorry for the hole in your heart, I'm sure your husband knew your love and held it close to him in his last moments. My thoughts are with you and your children, you are surely the light they need.
Thank you also for sharing. I've been in a dark place, but because of your story I hold on more. I realise how hopelessly inadequate words would be to console MY BEST FRIEND, my dear husband, if I let the demons win.
I want you to know that I am beyond grateful for meeting you even if just in cyberspace as your positive attitude and your light shine so brightly. Your thoughts on love, life and your children and your opening sharing your own personal growth have been keeping me going in my own personal journey and struggles. I can't thank you enough for that. I wish you only the best.
I came across your blog through some ink, somewhere - I don't really remember. I just happened to catch your latest FB post where you recount what your husband is saying to you. It really struck a chord so I wanted to write.I've had those same conversations - same sentiments, same short stacatto phrases. I hear my love telling me those same things. In a lot of ways we share a similar journey. I lost my love on 04/15/16 and it's been brutal but through a lot of spiritual work and connection, my own writing, etc... I am just now, 16 months to the day, slowly coming back into my own light.
Everything you write is so powerful. You are the light in the dark. I love reading what you write because it is truth, pain, happiness, wisdom and so much more. You're an amazing mom and are teaching them so much that you don't even know yet. Keep the light in your eyes bright and you will go far beyond your expectations of what you were meant to do.
Oh what a light and gift YOU are to the universe! How I wish you hadn't been asked to carry such unthinkable loss along the way. Thank you for being so brave, so open, so giving
This may be odd to say (or hear), but I am blessed by your words. Today especially. My heart feels so much for you and your sweet kids. I work as a grief counselor and feel that I have so very much more to learn about loss and grief. You have given me new insight, by sharing your story, your struggles, your pain in this journey. I just want to say thank you for sharing. You are teaching us through every word you write. You are teaching me. So thank you for writing and posting. We are listening and hope to be better supporters to those around us who grieve.
Your blogspot is a wonderful gift to others and a testament of what a beautiful person you are. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart with us.
I'm from New Zealand and my mother linked me to a post of yours she thought would help me. Thank you so much for putting yourself out there to people who are also experiencing pain such as yours, you are truly an inspiration. I wish the best to you, you are strong.
You are an answer to my prayers. Suicide survivor guilt is the worst. My brother took his life. Thank you, Angel!
I'm very sorry for your loss & pain. I am a suicide attempt survivor, and seeing in your eyes what would have been in my wife's makes it very hard to watch your video, but glad I survived to spare her. I work hard every day to cling to life. For us. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and pain. My love to you.
You are helping so many in so many different ways... You are a very strong, intelligent and amazing women whom I truly admire. Thank you!!
I have been following your blog recently. You are such a role model. Strong and honest in your personal journey! Giving hope and strength to others that may be in your shoes as well.
I am captivated by your writing and your blog. You are an amazingly strong and talented woman. Your words have brought me strength at times and have encouraged a strong sense of reflection. Everyone has their own story. Yours brings me to tears, encourages me and brings me hope all at the same time. I thank you for that. Much admiration -
Hey Nik, Just wanna let you know you're really brave. I do not know if you will see this message but I hope you do see it. You may not know it, but your story may have quite possibly saved my life. Thank you.
"Intensely, and so knowledgeable, expressed. You are a beacon to those of us who are genuinely well-intentioned and sympathetic but can never be empathetic. You are quite something Miss Nik."
Hi Nik, I’m not even sure how I came about this page. I’m deeply touched by your courage. Your messages and posts are exactly what people like me need to stumble upon on the internet. As strangers we may be, your words and perspective have helped push me along. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. I didn’t have a good childhood. I have overcome that in many ways with years of therapy. Yet, things still stumble across my mind and I have to remember what I learned and talk myself back out of those hopeless thoughts. I had my daughter 27 days ago. As you may know, it is hard. I’m mentally and physically drained. I’m a strong woman though and doing everything I can to keep afloat mentally. I’m pushed a little farther along after reading your story. I can’t thank you enough. Unlike many people, you have a great perspective on mental health. It is all too common for people to blame and be angry at people like me and your husband that struggle everyday. There is such a lack of compassion as if people can just “snap out of it”. After years of therapy and several different stabs at medication, I feel stable. It doesn’t change those thoughts the creep in when things get hard. Or sometimes no reason at all. I live with it buried beneath. Luckily, I’ve learned how to keep moving forward. I count on people like yourself to remind me what I’m fighting for. My daughter is my everything. I love her dad more than I could ever imagine. Still, there’s still a faint part that makes you wonder if you deserve this.. if others actually need you. I’m reassured today on this rough day that yes, I do deserve this. I’ll keep moving forward. Thankyou.
Um. Wow. Thank you.
I want you to know that you are being used by God.
As you age, newfound insight into the human condition will provide you with much warmth and solace. Your sincerity is unquestionable! As for understanding, as you become sympathetically aware of other people's feelings, reciprocality will be a golden gift to you. I believe your strength deserves praise! You are amazing!
Thank you for sharing your words. It is like a breath of fresh air. Reading the words make me realize that I am not alone in this daunting journey.
Just wanted to tell you In case no one has lately.... you are amazing! Inspiring! And what you’ve chosen to glean from your situation honors God, humanity and will bless your children and children’s children!!! Though I know not always as easy as it may appear from the outside it is all Simply beautiful! God bless!
Hi Nik, it was so heartbreaking for me to accidentally stumble across a post of yours on my newsfeed. Some friend had shared it. It broke my heart to read your words of your pain and yet I also found it deeply inspiring. Take care and keep inspiring! You have found your purpose doing so. No matter what or how much you lose. Don't forget you are amazing!
I can’t thank you enough for the perspective you’ve given me.
I’m going to fight.
I’m going to stay.
Much love and gratitude
Hello, just wanted to say you're doing an amazing job. I have stood on the edge a few times, ready to end it all but my two sons ,my beautiful boys, have been my strength to keep going. Depression,or the black dog as we call it,is a brutal foe . The smallest problems can send one spiralling down ...anyway,thank you for what you do...regards from,Australia
I am so touched by all the pieces I have read tonight. I have wept so deeply. I am a Mum feeling like I don't want to continue anymore and your page helps to look at so different perspective. You are a true hero to turn your horror story into something positive by helping others. I don't know you but feel like I love you and your kids. You really have been to hell and back. I sincerely wish you true happiness moving forward. You are amazing.
I have a baby boy that is about to be one. I always think about how he'd be better off if he had a different mom. One that could get off the couch and play with him all day. One that didn't have anger issues and was always patient. But I am his mama. I have to fight for him. I have to keep going. You have changed my life by changing my perspective. Thank you. Keep fighting the good fight
I just want you to know that yet another person has been touched by your continuing to write. I lost my toddler son last year, and since I've been very depressed not really wanting to live, or frankly to parent my two surviving children. (Even though I love them so much) But your most recent post really struck home. Thank you.
Hi Nik, my friend reposted your post from yesterday and I just keep reading it over and over. I have suffered with severe depression my entire life. After I had my children I promised myself that I would never leave them but there are still times when the sickness takes over and I doubt myself. Reading your post reminded me just how important it is that I stay here for them and how much it would change their lives forever if I didn’t. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing and know how many people you are saving by doing so.
I want you to know how strong you are. You’re story just hit me so hard, one of my friends on fb shared it, and I instantly broke down in tears. You put into words what most people seem to not be able too. I’ve been in a very very dark place recently. I’ve had thoughts go through my mind that I would of never ever imagined before. I have a five year old little boy. I said he didn’t need me, he’d be better off without me. How could a mother say that? But, the good Lord above took care of all of those horrible thoughts before anything happened. You are so strong! And I say that because if it hadn’t of been for my husband, I don’t know who else I could of turned too. I spoke up and told him what I was thinking. Thank you for sharing your post, you keep following your heart and writing and sharing. You speak to many more people than you could probably imagine, and someone who can take what people think about and can write about, when most people can’t is a gift! You’re a very strong person and you and your family are in my prayers!
I sat here tonight in bed with my little boy sleeping next to me while his dad, my fiancé was away at work and I counted to see if I had enough pills to end it. I did. And then I saw your post. I’m still here because of you.
Just saw one of your amazing posts on FB. I live in Australia and work in a mining community. We've had a handful of young men take their own lives in the last 12 months, each leaving behind a shattered family. Life can be hard but with great people like yourself spreading awareness, hopefully this generation of men can start seeing other options. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!
I know you’ve probably gotten thousands of messages but I just wanted to tell you thank you. Thank you for sharing your story. It stopped me in my tracks. I’ve never been able to relate to anything so much in my life.
How incredibly powerful !!! I have no doubt you just saved a life,and if nothing else have made someone think twice about their decision. As someone that has been affected by suicide, I am thankful you were brave enough to share your story. Thank you and God bless!!
I just read your post. And then read it again. The second reading took much longer since I was struggling not to openly sob in my office. Thank you for your post, its message and light. Please keep doing what you’re doing. Your message touched a nerve with me to the extent that it made me question my very being. And I needed it. And my kids needed it. Thank you.
I am sure you get lots of messages from grief stricken people so I will keep it short. Than you. I have four children. PTSD from serving my country. Struggling every day to smile. You have helped me through today. Xxx God bless you and yours
This message may never reach you but I just wanted to say I came across one of your posts on my news feed. I have thought of suicide, the only reason I feel like I'm here anymore is because of my beautiful 6 year old daughter. She is my strength and my world. Your post moved me. Just wanted to say Thank you.
I just want to say, THANK YOU. Thank you for sharing that message. Thank you for opening my eyes and making me realize it shouldn’t be just about me. I’m going through one of the most difficult times in my life that I would have never imagined would have happened to me. I have been through so much loss, hurt,& pain in my life that what I had went through a week ago, had brought me lower than what I ever knew would be possible. I contemplated my life and had everything planned out...but my daughters kept crossing my mind,& I had to speak to someone about it. So I went to my husband about it a few days ago, and came across your post today. I couldn’t even finish reading it because I couldn’t see with the amount of tears flustering my eyes! Looking back on it now, I know that would have been the worst possible thing I could do to myself and my family...you opened my eyes that much more..I’m so thankful you shared your story. God bless you
You are a warrior, Nik. May God bless you and give you the strength to continue your message of Hope. Love you girl..
Thank you for helping me last night with your post.. Whats crazy is I had begged God the day before to send me an angel... Thank u!
I’ve bookmarked that particular post. I’m going to make it a point to read it every time I go into the darkness. I have a feeling that it will help drive me back to the light. So thank you for opening your life to the world. I hope that it has an impact on many others like me. If you save even one life, then you are truly a hero. Hopefully you’ll never have to save mine. But I’m glad I have this story to help me through.
Hello, I will keep this quick as I'm sure you have been flooded by comments. I'm an Army veteran that has ptsd. Your post had been shared in my veterans group on Facebook, where we constantly are trying to help our brothers and sisters that are considering suicide. I won't lie to you...I have been quietly struggling myself here lately with depression. Your post however, really spoke a lot to me.. So thank you for your openness. Your post is being passed around the veteran community, and for that I thank you. You have saved lives. Thank you.
Thanks to your post I have decided to go seek help instead. So thank you from the bottom of my heart for opening my eyes. I will forever be grateful to you. Thank you...
I want to thank you for the words I read on Facebook today, shared by our local news anchor here in San Francisco. As a single father of 2 young boys who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and has almost acted upon them, your plea to those who find themselves in this situation was incredibly moving and powerful.
Hello Nik, I know we are strangers. And I came across your post just randomly... I just wanted to say your post. Thank you.. it is so raw, it was like a punch in the face reading your words. I am a paramedic and surrounded lately by mental health and suicide. From patients, coworkers.. but I am also a mother and a wife.. and that just got me and shaken me to the core reading your words it’s such an awakening. I just simply wanted to thank you for your words.
Thank you so much for everything. Keep up the phenomenal work.
"Intensely, and so knowledgeable, expressed. You are a beacon to those of us who are genuinely well-intentioned and sympathetic but can never be empathetic. You are quite something Miss Nik."
Thank you for your honesty. Sugar is for tea, not grief. I don’t seek to heal mine either. Singularly heartbreaking and beautiful. She speaks the truth...eloquently.
"Man becomes great in precisely the degree he works for the welfare of his fellow man... "Make me a channel of YOUR peace!" Nik you are clearly blessed with the gift of enlightenment and the wherewithal to reflect it back out to others."
"God sent me to your page today and I just wanted to thank you. Because I have found encouragement from you to keep fighting for my life and to be whom I need to be for my family. Thank you for pouring your energy into helping others like me who can hardly help themselves find strength in this world. You are a light in the darkness that has somehow filled my life and I am thankful to have found you. You are an angel!"