Nikki Bonkoski
At first I'm shy, then I'm a podcast.
I've been writing in notebooks since I was 12.
I see emotions in color and I feel the world in words.
I was always a poet and yet when my husband died?
My gift to turn that deep and searing, oxygen stealing pain into words was brought to the forefront of my daily life.
I see the pain in colors.
I feel the pain in prose poetry and short narrative storytelling.
It comes so easily to me.
One flash of a certain scenery or photograph or emotion and an entire list of words string together in my mind.
My writing is not more important than his life.
His life was and is more important than my writing.
And yet I hear him telling me, "I'm so proud of you, Birdie."
I self published two books this year.
I didn't preplan this.
I don't preplan much in my life.
I go by feeling.
I live by following my emotions and the lightbulb ideas that pop into my mind suddenly that must come from somewhere in the stars......someone out there guiding the way for me if I'm only quiet enough to listen. Angels on my side that know the path that I cannot see here from earth.
Two books.
I didn't preplan this and yet it is exactly and perfectly meant to be.
It couldn't have been 8 years ago or 5 years ago or last year.
It had to be this year.
The 10th anniversary of his death.
It wasn't preplanned by me but it was preplanned by the stars in the sky.
Light and dark.
They could not have been merged into one book.
They are two separate beings.
Two heartbeats.
Two sides to my heart: Light and Dark.
Always blooming with roses even in the mud and the muck and the rain.
My children helped me to design the covers.
My son: the first.
Both of my children: the second.
I asked not a single other soul of their opinion on the cover design because only their thoughts and ideas mattered to me. Only my babies who are my people....my absolute everything.
I have told them for many years now, "Mom writes. She writes things and it helps other people." and they just say, "Ok, mom. That's cool."
and then they seen my physical books with words inside that they could read (they aren't on social media and I'm sure have never looked at my blog) and their faces...the look on their faces means the world to me. That look said, "My mom made this. Wow."
This wasn't preplanned and yet it was set in motion the exact moment that they lowered my husband into the ground and I took our little babies hands and I ran to my car and drove to our family favorite park to scream.
Light and dark.
Joy and pain.
Roses and thorns.
Inside of my words I hope you find comfort and I hope you nod your head, "me too." I hope you hear and see your own story in my words. I hope you know how much love was put into these pages and I hope that love wraps it's arms around you and tells you how special you are even if have thorns in your heart.
“The woman walking down the street drinking her coffee? The day her house burned to the ground while she stood on the front steps internally screaming, fists clenched, eyes brimming with tears, heart burning with rage and sorrow?
Her past turned into confetti.
It's nowhere and it's everywhere.
It's completely gone as if it and that version of her never existed, and it's alive in the love she has in her heart for who she once was and has become. It touches every part of her life like a ghost, but she's not afraid.”
Haunting, evocative, and exquisite, Ghost Confetti explores the various facets of heartbreak and the sorrow of loss. The prose poetry and narrative within Ghost Confetti will resonate with your pain, elevate your spirit, and guide you on the path to healing your shattered heart.
When you are widowed at a young age you learn to carry.
The grief.
The silence.
The loneliness.
The groceries.
You learn to juggle.
The finances.
The lawn.
The stares.
You learn to fix.
Your own heart.
The leaky faucet.
And if you haven't been widowed young or haven't had the universe rip the rug out from under you and force you to want to die and yet have to choose to live?
Then you may think that what people like me write isn't for you but sad prose and poetry? It's for everyone. It will teach you in ways that a manual or novel or class could never do. It touches a place that exists within all of us. Way deep inside of your mind? No. Your soul.
My book isn't about widowhood or suicide, grief or depression or at least those exact words aren't inside of it even though those things that I experienced are what made the words flow out of me like water.
It's a book about LIFE.
It's about touching the thorns and still seeing the beauty of the bloom.
It's something you will hopefully return to over and over in your life to uplift you, remind you, teach you.
Reviews:
"This prose poetry book offers invaluable heart wisdom. Keep a copy close by, purchase additional ones to leave on picnic and coffee shop tables for strangers to discover, or gift one to a friend. These uplifting words will illuminate your path during challenging times and help you feel less isolated in this vast universe. Within these pages lie messages that every person needs to hear: You are worthy. You are enough. You are loved."
"I just read your book. Congratulations, it is beautiful. Thank you for putting pen to paper and publishing it."
"The reason I am so in love with your book is I know how much it took to create something that bares your heart and soul- I’ve seen and witnessed your journey along the way and you’ve NEVER thrown in the towel, not that you’ve never wanted to I’m sure, but you haven’t! and that takes not only guts- but a connection and devotion to something so much bigger. I truly cherish your heart spilled words and I smile and get warm fuzzies every time I see it on my coffee table and I just got it today!"
"Thanks Nikki Bonkoski for all your hours, your dedication. Your healing power, your words, your prayers, your praise. The sharing of your life and for sharing your pain."
"GHOST Confetti is the new book that makes me feel less alone in my grief process. I just finished reading it, twice! The first time, I read it through tears on most every page! The second time, I highlighted nuggets of Nikki's clarity and wisdom because I know I will be referring to it often and for a long time ahead. She has taken an unimaginable, unbearable, & unspeakable tragedy in her family's life, felt all the feelings, poured out her pain and loss in constructive ways, and has gone on to build a rich and beautiful life. Some of the feelings have no appropriate human words that can even begin to convey the emotions felt, yet Nikki has poured out her love and loss onto each page. She has spoken hope into my similarly broken heart. It's rich in modern day imagery and language that hits you in your soul. Some of the thoughts she penned that resonated most loudly with me include: "Ghosts of the future that was stolen from you and rewritten." "Go towards anything that makes you feel ALIVE." "Let yourself rest and let yourself be happy. Let yourself trust new people." (I'm really trying, Nik!!) Thank you to this talented wordsmith author from my home state, who found the words to accurately describe a broken heart, yet leaves you inspired that life can still be beautiful! This is an excellent, quick read, and has helped me more in my grief journey than any other books I have read. Do NOT miss this, there is help and encouragement here for virtually any kind of loss you can think of; I will be buying copies for friends currently undergoing loss through divorce, loss of parents, and the disconnection that sometimes occurs in life when loved ones suddenly have no time for you. Loss is loss, but healing is attainable. Get this book!"
“Here's the thing about the very worst day of a person's life. Here's the absolute truth about the horror that someone endured. Not one single person felt what they felt, heard what they heard, seen what they saw. Not one.
Even if they were physically there. Even if they came after and brought a casserole or helped with the tasks....they weren't really there. They didn't endure it. They didn't feel it. They couldn't crawl inside it. They were merely witnesses to the worst day.
Witnesses to the burning house.”
Burning House will resonate deeply with the narratives held in your wounded heart. This blend of prose poetry and storytelling offers solace and valuable perspectives on navigating profound trauma. Within its moving pages, you’ll discover a guiding map to heal the flames within your heart and embrace the lingering embers that remain.
The old me did not survive.
I’ve been mourning her all summer.
Searching for places where she might still exist.
Dreaming in cold sweat about what happened.
Seeing him everywhere and nowhere and being held down while fighting and kicking the memories of what might have been and what once was.
Don’t look back or you’ll turn to stone they say but good luck fighting off the nightmares that force you to turn around.
A summer spent…..
Reliving it.
Replaying it.
Jumping in ice cold creeks to freeze out the embers.
Staring into campfires and sleeping in tents in the woods to contemplate where in the world ten years of my life went…..and where is she?
She didn’t survive the burning.
But I did.
This trauma is cured through disappearing and reappearing.
"When you look back on a lifetime and think of what has been given to the world by your presence, your fugitive presence, inevitably you think of your art, whatever it may be, as the gift you have made to the world in acknowledgement of the gift you have been given, which is the life itself.
And I think the world tends to forget that this is the ultimate significance of the body of work each artist produces. That work is not an expression of the desire for praise or recognition, or prizes, but the deepest manifestation of your gratitude for the gift of life.”
-–Stanley Kunitz.