It's layers and layers.
The trauma I’ve endured?
It is etched into me from the inside out.
It's layers and layers, friends.
It runs deep.
Recently I unlocked a very high level of my personal trauma healing.
A layer I didn't even realize I needed unlocked until Jesus unlocked it for me.
A layer I didn't even know was weighing on me until I was set free of it and I felt the gigantic release of it.
When this happens it's such a "Wow" moment.
You can feel the lightness in your heart.
You almost can't believe that there was yet another layer. But.....this is trauma. It coils into so many parts of us and it hides so very well. It tricks us into believing that we have to live with this inner shame and people pleasing and so on to avoid anymore pain or struggle or conflict.
That's right, dear ones...
I finally am set free of my shame.
There was so little of it left that I didn't even realize it was still there. But it was still there inside of me....bullying me into people pleasing, over explaining,and not speaking all of my truth.
And then one day I woke up and I could literally feel that it was gone. I got my personal power back.
I did the hard things and stood my ground and then?
I. Was. Set. Free.
My Redeemer (Yea, that's Jesus) said to me, "Nik? You're a good person. You don't have to hustle to prove it. You don't have to let shame direct you anymore. You don't have to do things or be around things you don't want to. It's necessary to keep boundaries. You are loved, dear child. Look up. Look up and live forward with a heart full of lightness and peace. Shame doesn't live in you anymore."
Here I am as I have been for over 7 years.....Here, writing for YOU. Sharing my inner most secrets, flaws, wisdom, and truths so that I can help you help yourself in your own journey. I'm here for you....always. I love you!
Your trauma may be different than mine.
Your beliefs and paths may be different as well.
The point is?
It's a journey.
There's so many layers and we can't rush it.
And we can't force it.
We can't sugar coat it or push it under the rug because it will surface eventually and while healing can be so hard because there's so much more to it than anyone can see.....it's worth it when we hold out and work through it because when each layer is unlocked?
We are lighter.
We feel warmer.
We aren't afraid in the dark anymore.
We aren't afraid to be ourselves any longer.
We feel ok with disappointing others. We can sit with that discomfort and keep going.
Shame wasn’t blocking my happiness....I’ve never been happier. It was blocking me standing up for myself in certain situations.
This is me, dear ones.
I'm imperfect and I also have a big heart.
I’m deliriously happy and you can be too.
I have boundaries like a castle around me and I give what God tells me to give.
When you have been shamed or felt ashamed? For awhile your body/mind/soul will do almost anything to not feel that feeling again. Avoidance will happen AND doing anything others ask to avoid being shamed. And then? One day you will wake up and know that even if they shame you? Talk behind your back? Don't understand you? It literally does. not. matter. You hear me? It doesn't matter. All that matters is that you are healthy, thriving, happy. All that matters is what God thinks of you and how you feel about yourself. Shame can't win if you take away it's power to rule your life.
I finally know that I choose.....I choose who and what is in my life.
I can’t be pushed around by shame anymore.
I'm here for you who read my words...always.
I love your messy heart because mine is the same and you know what?
It's what makes us beautiful on the inside.
What others did to us does not define us.
Shame don't live here anymore.
Be set free, dear one.
Live your life according to what your heart tells you that you need to survive and thrive and not according to what others tell you that you have to do.
Know that you are healed through safe, loving relationships.
You are not responsible for anyone else's happiness or healing.
You get to choose who is in your life.
God loves you.
Healing is a journey and I'm here on the road with you for the long haul, through all the layers....always.
Keep shining, dear friend.
Love always, Nik
If you're new here? My trauma: widowed by suicide when I was 35 years old. Over 7 years ago and I still write about it to help others.
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