Something new will grow from the ashes...
and it will be you.
A new version of you.
A blend of the old and new you.
A wiser and more beautiful....you.
More beautiful?
Yes.
All that you endured and have been through adds to your human beauty. All the wisdom you earned and the compassion you now have and the knowledge of life's pain....it all radiates out of your soul and the cracks in your heart are filled with gold and it shines so beautifully for others to see by.
Something new will grow from the ashes....
and it will be you.
Nearly 8 years ago I woke up on a Thursday morning and brewed my coffee. I don't remember that entire morning before the world crashed at my doorstep but I'm sure I was happy and I know that I was oblivious to the pain of the world or the fact that in a few short hours my life and my soul would be changed forever. Forever burned. Forever different.
Did the crash on my doorstep make me stronger?
Yes and No.
That's how crashes go.
They both make you the absolute strongest version of yourself you can and will ever be because you literally have no other choice....be strong or fade away into the darkness. Be strong or wilt. Be strong or stop breathing forever. So, you choose strong as a shiny armor because you have no other option.
The crash at my doorstep also made me more fearful.
Forever afraid just under the surface of my skin.
Afraid of things that other humans simply do not seem to even know they could or should be afraid of.
Not silly or pretend bumps in the night that aren't truly there.
But real fears like burying loved ones, car accidents, diseases that have no cure.
Real fears that run through my mind so often that I've learned to knit them perfect little cozy sweaters so they can sit down and be quiet while I get out there and live my life.
I must continue to live my life.
Through the fear.
Through the knowing that worlds can crash in less than one minute.
Lives can change with only one action.
Hearts can burn with only a few simple words.
I don't know if you reading this has ever had a crash at your doorstep. Except.....I'm keenly aware that if you have? Then you know exactly what all of these words so far have meant. You feel them beyond their poetry and prose. Your bones are nodding, "Yes." ...because they remember your crash whatever it was. The crash that changed your life. The crash that if you had seen it coming it wouldn't have mattered because you wouldn't have been able to step out of the way. It was coming to your path no matter what. Why? How? That's not an answer I have for you or for me. I only know that I had no way to stop my first husband from taking his own life. It wasn't up to me. I know the "before the crash" story and how much I drowned my own breath for years to try to keep him from the edge all while mothering my children and running my own business to help pay our bills and keeping up with the daily life of a home and family.
Something will grow from the ashes....
and it will be you.
Whatever the crash at your door is....whether it is similar to mine when a knock at my door said, "Nik, he's dead. He shot himself on the farm." Or whatever your life changing crash was....you will grow up and out of those ashes. You will change. You will heal just enough to keep living your life.
And on this journey of surviving and healing and trying to breath and trying to build a new life and trying to keep going? You will need that strength that you have deep inside of you. Build your boundaries. Do what it takes to survive and find your beating heart once again. The day of the crash you will believe that you will never laugh again....never love again....never feel happiness again. You will. You will and it will be so beautiful. Beautiful you. Standing on top of those ashes. Face to the moonlight. Gold cracks sparkling in the night. Wisdom radiating out of your fingertips. Beautiful you. You survived.
I am Nikki Bonkoski on Facebook. Come, follow along.
My free-of-charge support groups that I have hosted on FB for almost 7 years:
Grief Untamed: support for all death related grief
Manhood Untamed: Men's mental health support.
The Brave Ladies Club: Support for women who had a spouse/partner die by suicide
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