Your rainbow is out there waiting for you.
I have preached this message since the day my first husband died by suicide September 2015.
Did I know this was a for sure back then?
It was only a wish.
It was something to hold onto when I was drowning.....when I myself wanted to die.
The thought that one day.......one day my rainbow would come. One day it wouldn't hurt so much. One day I would have a new story.
It's hard to be authentically happy for others when we are inside of our dark storm.
And this is where we learn the true meaning of grace.
Over the years since his death I have had to watch other people get married. I have watched others add beautiful babies to their families. I have waved goodbye as others got to go on tropical vacations all while I felt trapped inside of my dark storm, trapped inside of a fire that I didn't drop the match to start. Trapped inside of pain that no one could rescue me from. It felt unfair. It felt sad. It felt terrifying. It felt......lonely.
And that's where I learned to live with grace. To extend my honest happiness to others in their times of celebration even when I wondered when in the hell I would finally be able to walk out of the fire into my own rainbow. To not tell them that their happiness brought me pain but to just shower them in goodness and honest hugs and celebrate with them on my good days. And even though this was hard, so hard to do there was a voice whispering in my ear that said, "Be happy for them, dear child. Even if their happiness brings you grief. Extend beautiful glad tidings to others during your storm and one day........they will extend them back to you when you are standing inside of your celebration, your rainbow, your light. Your time will come. Until then.....heal, learn, grow, and become a walking story. You are loved."
One day....you will arrive where you were always meant to be. You will arrive on time. And everything will be fine. Your heart will be content. Your heart will understand true living grace.
Be happy for others. Authentically happy when they get their rainbow, when they get to celebrate happiness and joy and life. Is is simple and easy to do? Of course not. Should we shove down our feelings of anger, resentment, bitterness? No. Allow yourself to sit with those feelings, feel them and then write them down in a journal and then burn them in your backyard fire. Do not put those feelings onto others. They are not theirs to carry. Only you can walk yourself to healing.....you will get there, my dear friend. One day.
I got married August 2019 and I am now living inside of my rainbow after the storm. I moved to a new town. I live inside of a new, beautiful story. The rainbow is real and it's out there for you too....believe it. Pray for it. Wait for it. Never, ever cash in the life that God gave you.
And when someone is blessed with happiness after they have almost lost everything? After they have been through a storm so dark and cold? After they have spent years in pain and have crawled and climbed their way out?
Extend them some grace.
Be authentically happy for others and watch how the universe will shower you with your own falling star to wish upon.....your very own rainbow after the storm. Keep on the lookout for it. It will show up for you too.....one day.
All my love, Nik Bonkoski
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